Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

How many of your decisions are motivated by your emotions?

Modern science has us believe that we can make logical decisions without resorting to our emotions. Yet countless examples, from picking the right stock to choosing the right career, strongly suggest otherwise.

It is much more likely that our feelings and emotions play a much deeper and more decisive role in our decision-making than we would like to admit.

Balancing Emotions and Rationality

Relationships of all types require that we manage and carefully balance our rational mind with our emotional mind. Yet we are told that emotional intelligence skills are potent tools in increasing the quality and strength of our human relationships and the personal experiences that result from them.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and be able to intuitively empathize with the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence strengthens your innate ability to recognize and manage different emotional situations involving different types of relationships.

Also known as Emotional Quotient (EQ), emotional intelligence is often compared with one’s IQ, which measures the ability to logically and critically think rationally to solve problems and grasp complex ideas.

Emotional intelligence is not intended to replace IQ any more than IQ is intended to replace one’s EQ. Instead, they work best when they work together. Both are potent forms of human intelligence that work best when they work together.

People with high emotional intelligence can often navigate complex social dynamics, while those with low emotional intelligence may struggle with regulating and managing their emotional responses and actions, especially in unfamiliar situations or with new relationships

Emotional intelligence, which consists of four attributes, can be learned, practiced, and improved.

Statistic: EQ is four times more effective than IQ in determining who will be successful in their field.

Four attributes of emotional intelligence

• Self-awareness
• Self-management
• Social awareness
• Social and relationship management

Self-awareness and self-management involve dealing with one’s own emotions, while social awareness and relationship management involve dealing with the emotions of others.

The best place to start improving your emotional intelligence is with yourself. Begin with identifying your emotions, knowing why you feel a certain way (self-awareness), and what to do when you feel that way (self-management).

Then, you can extend that understanding to identify the emotions of others and the social dynamics of groups (social awareness).

Finally, you can find ways to relate to others while balancing your own emotional needs (relationship management). Balancing self-compassion with having compassion for others is also a form of relationship management.

(Above Image) Illustration of the mind working on social awareness, self-management, and social management.

What Is Self-Awareness?

Self-awareness, one of the foundational emotional intelligence skills, is acknowledging and understanding your emotions in real-time.

The first step towards self-awareness is to stop suppressing your emotions. Unfortunately, this has been taught to many of us, especially men. ‘Men don’t cry’ is a common saying. Stiffening emotions between partners block the emotional exchange of feelings, resulting in low emotional intelligence in relationships.

On the other hand, an emotionally intelligent partner embraces self-awareness, allowing themselves to acknowledge and express emotions without suppression.

To improve self-awareness, men, or any of us, do not have to cry. Instead, we can be self-aware of what we feel and acknowledge them. Calling our emotions by their precise names can be a powerful practice because when we put a name to it, we allow ourselves the clarity to act with intention.  It is like setting a target before going for it.

This is not to say that crying should be avoided. Crying offers its own emotional and psychological health benefits, such as reducing stress and anxiety.

The wheels of emotions can assist you in identifying your emotions. Two well-known wheels are:

• The Junto wheel

• Plutchik wheel

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In the image above, both wheels visualize a range of emotions stemming from six to eight core emotions:

• Love
• Joy
• Surprise
• Sadness
• Anger
• Fear
• Disgust

These core emotions are the most easily identifiable. They branch into related, more nuanced, and stronger emotions.

For example, being surprised can become confused or amazed, which can then branch into being disillusioned, perplexed, astonished, and in awe.

[image source]

Each wheel in the image above classifies emotions differently. Start with the core emotion, then see if you can describe it more precisely with its branches.

Getting precise about your emotions enriches your emotional vocabulary. A richer vocabulary means you are more discerning about the range of emotional nuances and degrees. Then, you can formulate a response that matches others’ emotions at an appropriate level.

How to tell what you are feeling? Emotions are a lot more instinctive than thoughts. They are first experienced as bodily sensations, so pay attention to how your body feels.

What physical sensations do you feel when a strong emotion sweeps over you? For example, when you feel proud, does your chest puff up, your head held high, your eyes shine, and you sit up straight? When you are ashamed, are your eyes downcast and your shoulders droop?

Your bodily sensations provide cues to the emotions being experienced. Noticing these physical cues in yourself is a practice that prepares you to notice the same cues in others.

Our Body Is Our Home. Practices such as Yoga and Dance Therapy help us connect and express our emotions with our physical body through spiritual and kinetic movement

How Can You Manage Emotions?

Self-management starts with accepting and appreciating what you feel. This could be hard because, according to Dr. Joan Rosenberg, we want to feel none of these bodily sensations, yet we say we want to feel our emotions. We try to run away from the bodily sensations that alert us to unpleasant feelings, which is a type of low emotional intelligence.

Like waves on a beach, emotions come and go. They come up mildly or strongly, hang for a moment, and then subside. So do bodily sensations. It takes about 1.5 minutes to feel the waves of emotions, and then they subside.

Being able to ride the waves of emotions is a crucial emotional intelligence skill in self-management. It helps individuals handle their feelings without being overwhelmed.

Allow the emotions to wash through you without judgment and with lots of self-compassion. Reflect on why you feel the way you do. It could be an event, a word, a sound, a facial expression, a stimulation, or a gesture that triggers certain emotions in you.

People with lower emotional intelligence often find it harder to manage their emotions and may become easily overwhelmed in stressful situations.

For example, if stress occurs daily, find out the times of the day you tend to get stressed. Consider keeping a feeling journal for this purpose—record your emotions with related events. It will sharpen your observation of your emotional state.

After a few weeks, you will start to notice the common triggers of your stress. Finding ways to avoid or alleviate those triggers would calm your nerves without relying on emotionally harmful or addictive substances.

Once you are adept at handling the triggers and their effects, you will have more control over how emotions can influence you. You can consciously choose to rein them in or unleash them, thereby borrowing the force of your emotions to take the right actions.

Negative emotions are not a bad thing. They are a powerful part of our survival instinct, kicking in to protect us from threats. Registering negative feelings does not mean forcing yourself to feel the opposite way. Instead, take them as a sign that a change may be needed or that something—the trigger—is not good for you.

What Is Social Awareness?

Social awareness, one of the critical emotional intelligence skills, involves being able to read and respond to the emotions of others effectively, fostering healthy relationships.

Social awareness enables one to pick up on emotional cues and make a good guess about other people’s feelings. It also enables one to recognize the power dynamics in a group or an organization.

You do not have to be a glib talker to have social awareness. The emotional triggers that work on you may work on someone else, too. Social awareness stems from this empathy – that we are not so different from others after all, and we can relate to the emotions in others because we, too, experience the same thing.

Knowing what makes someone feel a certain way clues you to choose the right actions, words, time, and place to broach a difficult subject with the right person. You are also less likely to get blindsided by their reactions and more likely to give an appropriate response to emotional outbursts.

It is helpful to remember that other people’s emotions are usually not about you, even though you can sense them and are affected by them.

We are the protagonists of our own lives, so if someone seems sad, angry, or happy, the reason often has very little to do with you unless, of course, you are directly involved in the situation. The fact is, people sometimes have bad days.

This also depends on your relationship with the person. Simply put, do not take others’ emotions too personally – pay attention to the relevant triggers.

Ultimately, social awareness involves self-restraint in dialing down your feelings and the imagination to shift focus onto the other person, seeing the world through their eyes. It asks for a healthy dose of empathy and firm boundaries.

An emotionally intelligent partner practices active listening, which helps in understanding their partner’s feelings and fostering deeper connections.

Relationship management

Relationship management is about being good with people without sacrificing yourself. It includes skills such as:

• good communication
• facilitate teamwork
• manage conflicts
• influencing others

These valuable skills are often required at a leadership level, but you can also apply them to personal relationships. Below, we explore how to manage romantic, family, and work relationships.

Remember that these tips build upon the four attributes of emotional intelligence mentioned above.

Statistic: Studies show that 67% of conflicts in romantic relationships are better resolved when at least one partner demonstrates high emotional intelligence, particularly in empathy and active listening.

How Can Emotional Intelligence Deepen Romantic Relationships?

Emotional intelligence helps at all stages of a romantic relationship. Since we tend to invest deep feelings into this type of relationship, there are plenty of chances for us to educate or re-educate our hearts.

Emotional intelligence is also key to fostering deep intimacy in romantic relationships, helping both partners communicate openly and authentically.

An emotionally intelligent partner is more likely to recognize emotional cues and build trust, which leads to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

Applying the four attributes of emotional intelligence, here are some tips to help you cultivate a healthy and robust romantic relationship.

How do you define a good relationship?

This goes beyond the personal details you may tell a date. It is about knowing the kind of love you are seeking.

We attract relationships that resonate with who we think we are. Our own definition of love shapes our searching lens—think of the keywords we put into Google—keywords of personalities, values, and habits that help us scan our environment for prospective relationship matches.

Much of this comes from the relationships you saw growing up, mostly your parents or any other relationships that left a deep impression on your younger self. As you grow up and experience life outside your original family, you also modify what it means to have a good relationship. Gradually, you form a very personal definition of love.

Are we aware of our personal definition of love or how it influences our choice of someone? For many people, not at all. A lot of this is subconscious. Examining how love manifests in our lives is one way to gain a deeper understanding of love.

The subject of love is often the type of self-examination performed in the practice of contemplative meditation.

Knowing why we choose the partners we do and why we have these ideas of a perfect relationship is the first step in selecting a relationship that acutually suits us.

Practice open communication

Open communication is about expressing your feelings, thoughts, and preferences in a way your partner understands. You cannot expect your partner to read your mind or intuitively get you, even if you have been together for years.

If you want your partner to do something (or stop doing something), say it with as much kindness and clarity as you can muster. Make sure they get your message.

Open communication is also about attentively listening to your partner when they communicate their needs, thoughts, and preferences without jumping into judging them or criticizing them. Instead, seek to understand why your partner wants you to know these things with respect and sincerity.

Even if you disagree with what your partner is saying, practice self-management to keep your emotions at bay. Some of us carry memories of emotional traumas that get triggered when the same situation occurs again.

Here, self-management comes in handy.

Notice the emotional triggers and ride the waves of emotions when they come; try your best not to get drowned in them. Refrain from cutting them off. Attune more to your partner’s emotions and body language since they can tell you as much or even more than their words.

Your partner deserves to be heard and understood as much as you do. Keeping your heart open, you may also learn something new from them.

The level of communication depends on the people involved, but it should be open enough that both feel safe to be themselves in each other’s presence. If your partner is more into actions than words, give them the chance to do so.

With practice, you can become more aware of each other’s intentions.

Open communication brings out the similarities and differences between two people. Perhaps it is the differences that often stop us from being honest with each other.

However, staying silent about an incompatibility does not make it go away—it only leads to more of them down the line, and you may stop confiding important things in each other.

This is usually the first sign of a relationship breakdown.

Couples in which one or both partners have low emotional intelligence may struggle to resolve conflicts or communicate their needs effectively.

It is best to communicate and compromise an incompatibility, or failing that, a way to accept and allow space for each other to live their truth separately without risking the threats of guilt or breakup.

How Emotional Intelligence Can Nurture Family Relationships?

Few relationships call for a higher degree of emotional intelligence than family relationships because of the decades of emotional patterns that have shaped us into who we are as adults.

You will likely realize how the family members closest to you as a child shaped your relationship with other people as an adult and how you may repeat some of the enduring patterns with your own family.

Emotional intelligence fosters soulful caring within families. Each member is attuned to the emotional needs of others, contributing to healthier relationships over time.

Uncover ingrained emotional patterns with self-awareness

Uncovering the origins of lifelong emotional patterns, such as how you may silently withdraw when someone disappoints you, is the hard work of introspection and therapy. Many are afraid to dig deep because of the potential emotional storms that emerge once forgotten painful memories are brought to the surface.

Yet, as an adult, confronting and resolving the lingering emotional troubles you have with your original family would release their stranglehold on you. Then, you can start forming emotional connections in a healthier way.

Make time to acknowledge and process emotions together

Children instinctively learn everything in their environment, including how they deal with their emotions. Therefore, if you are a parent, teach your children emotional awareness by listening to them.

Set aside a specific time when everyone can be present and say how they truly feel. When doing so, avoid talking down to your children—try not to make it into a lecture about what to do and what not to do. When your children talk, pay attention to body language, both yours and theirs.

Children can be quick to pick up on such nonverbal cues, even if they may not understand what they mean. Emotions are felt deeply in the body, so it helps to draw attention to them so they can become more aware of the effects emotions have on them.

Doing this helps two things. You set an example of self-management, being able to voice your emotions calmly and humbly, without shame. Your children learn a graceful way to attune to their emotions, voice them out without tantrums, and reflect on what might be better.

They also learn how to avoid feeling helpless when their needs aren’t met and how to ask for what they want while considering others’ needs.

Some emotions can be too much for the children to handle if addressed directly in this way. These may include negative emotions such as failure, grief, fear, or loss. Maybe you, too, are struggling to deal with these emotions yourself.

In this case, consider using stories and anecdotes as a metaphor for the situation. Stories are mirrors that illuminate thematic issues in our lives. Unlike our messy lives, they are told in a familiar beginning, middle, and ending structure.

Find an age-appropriate story that speaks to you, tell it to your children, and reflect on its meanings. Through a story with a meaningful ending, maybe you can all reach peace of mind together.

Emotional intelligence to build relationships at work

The relationships at work vary with the nature of your job. For example, to do well in customer service roles, you need a lot of social awareness and empathy to respond to complaints. While in technical, solitary roles, having stronger self-awareness and self-management skills is likely more helpful in working well on your own.

Communication, presentation, and interpersonal skills – these competencies often come under emotional intelligence.

IQ or technical skills may seem to surpass EQ at work. However, emotional intelligence can turn a tolerable workplace into a supportive, growth-oriented workplace.

In the workplace, emotional intelligence encourages productive conversations, ensuring that discussions lead to mutual understanding and problem-solving.

Conversely, individuals who lack emotional intelligence or have lower emotional intelligence may struggle to navigate social dynamics, leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships.

Statistic: A 2019 survey by CareerBuilder found that 71% of employers value emotional intelligence over IQ when hiring and promoting employees.

Monitor self-talk to minimize bias

Self-talk is the incessant internal voice in our heads that talks to us. We may think that if we don’t verbally express our internal voice, it will have no effect on us. The opposite is true. Your self-talk shapes how you relate to other people.

Before you get to know more about your coworkers, the internal voice fills in the blanks for you, shaping your (sometimes stereotypical) assumptions of others. It quickly latches onto their mannerisms, speaking habits, or positions to pass biased judgments about your coworkers.

Your self-talk reflects your emotional state, so monitoring it also helps you understand how someone makes you feel. For example, your internal voice may have nothing good to say about a male smoker with long braided hair; by monitoring it, you can hold off on judgment and allow yourself the chance to get to know the person better.

Statistic: Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that emotional intelligence can improve workplace productivity by up to 25%.

Respond, not react

By redirecting your self-talk to more constructive thinking, you will realize how your feelings can spill into your interactions with others. This is reacting and can trigger your first instincts to dominate a social situation without knowing how you will affect others.

Reactions tend to happen in stressful situations. While you do not have to keep your emotions under wraps, you can intentionally choose responses that fairly address the issue at hand. For example, you may ask questions to prompt your coworkers to clarify what they mean.

Wait for reasonable clarification before deciding how you would feel about this. Your calm composure will also encourage your coworkers to slow down and re-assess.

Beware of potential misjudgments that may hurt people and deteriorate the situation.

A deliberate, thoughtful response prevents you from getting swept away by unnecessary drama and helps maintain a healthy boundary at work.

Listen actively for feelings, not just thoughts

Active listening means not just hearing but listening attentively with your whole body. Allow what is being communicated by a co-worker to sink in, assess your feelings, and respond. If the issue is fraught, clarify with questions about feelings, not just thoughts.

Our workplace is increasingly shaped by data-driven smart systems, so sometimes, we forget the data is meant to aid our intuition and creativity. Forgetting this could lead to overlooking the people whose data is being evaluated, such as employees in performance reviews or customers’ feedback.

It helps to remember that behind a data point are many people who experience a range of feelings toward your company and your work.

Allow yourself the chance to weigh your hunches against your mind, balancing between data-driven rationality and emotion-driven value judgments. This balance may be valuable in setting yourself apart in a work environment.

Emotional intelligence goes hand in hand with relationship satisfaction

Our relationships often lie at the heart of our highest and lowest moments. We may lose our job or house, but if by some miracle, our closest relationships stay with us, then we may consider ourselves richer than many.

Practicing emotional intelligence gives you many ways to seek out the right people, mend broken bonds, and build a support network that sees you through thick and thin. When you acquire this learnable skill, you do not just escape into a relationship to stave off loneliness; you can become a master in dealing with this salient facet of being human.

One last note on emotional intelligence: manipulation. Emotional intelligence is a type of ability; it does not make someone a saint. Like how high-IQ people can fool others with numbers and complex ideas, high-EQ people may mislead with insinuations and undercurrents.

Although empathy is present in someone with high EQ, they can also manipulate others’ feelings and motivation to serve their interests. Hence developing emotional intelligence is even more essential: you would avoid falling victim to manipulation.

Bottom Line

In the dance of human relationships, emotional intelligence serves as the conduit between our personal and social interactions with others

Emotional intelligence is about understanding what we feel and perceiving and respecting the emotions of those around us. By practicing emotional intelligence skills such as active listening, self-awareness, and empathy, you can foster healthy relationships and build deep intimacy with the people most important in your life.

We are also open doors to deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships across all areas of our lives—from romantic partnerships to family dynamics and professional settings.

Developing emotional intelligence is like learning a new language—a language of emotions that helps you navigate human connections with understanding. As you practice, managing your emotions and relationships becomes more intuitive and rewarding.

Emotional intelligence isn’t an inborn talent but a skill anyone can learn. Enhancing your emotional awareness enriches your life and contributes to a more empathetic world.

Sources and References

• Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
• Working with Emotional Intelligence
• Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships
• Cherkassky, A., Vynnychuk, R., Heiko, S., Slyusarenko, K., & Bilousova, A. (2023). The Development of Leadership Qualities in a Management Team: Some Key Principles of Team Leadership.
• How Does Emotional Intelligence Positively Impact Close Rates In Sales?
• Gale Presents: Imago Provides Students Lessons on Social and Emotional Learning.

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