How To Have Heart-To-Heart Conversations
When differences arise and stress and anxiety escalate between partners, consider having an honest and empathetic conversation with your partner. Doing so will not only help you reach a resolution to the problem, but it can also contribute to developing a more robust, deeper, and meaningful relationship.
Calm down and compose yourself and your thoughts
Consider what it is that you want to convey before you speak. Always consider if there is a workable compromise before you make your proposal. You must be open to considering alternatives if you are serious about solving the problem.
Slow down and listen actively
You must also know how to listen with your heart and brain. The brain and heart have very different functions. Please don’t pretend to be listening while waiting for your partner to finish to get your turn to tell them what you have to say.
The waiting-to-speak while pretending to listen fake happens more than you know. It is a form of reactive thinking and an inability to stop the chatter in your head long enough to listen to your partner.
Being open means being open. Again, if this is the person you love and want to be with, both of you need to be committed to working out your differences openly and honestly.
Select a good time and place
Problem-solving takes time. Allocate a sufficient amount of time. Select a comfortable place that is quiet and peaceful. Turn off your smartphone. Please leave it in another room and turn off its ringer.
Nothing is more irritating than speaking to your partner about matters while watching your partner scroll through their messages. You might be telling your partner to take a shit in a pond.
Giving up having to be right
We have all learned that it’s better to be right than to be wrong. So much so that people will argue things they don’t even believe to justify their “right” position. Well, here is the good news: being “right” isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be.
First, our perception of almost everything is skewed by a belief system drummed into our heads by other people. Specifically, your parents, and likely whatever you learned from them, came from their parents. Nothing is wrong with generational teaching, but the reality is that most families are highly dysfunctional and are conditioned by social environments that can be pretty unusual.
We are not saying this to make you feel inadequate; quite the contrary. The point is, each of us is rarely “right” on almost anything! We have our perceptions and opinions, but absolute right and wrong are something of a rarity.
No one is perfect
We are still evolving as people, a society, and a species, so it should be evident that we probably have not yet reached the point of our highest brainpower – not even close. For God’s sake, we came from monkeys!
So put what you may believe is “right” under the spotlight before you tell another person, especially a person you care about, what is right and what is wrong. It’s not only arrogant; it’s ignorant. Best you be open that life is often hard to figure out and that it’s easy to get lost in what we believe is right – and acknowledge that something is “right” if what you propose works for both of you.
It’s not about being right. It’s about being able to say you were wrong or that you may have misunderstood. Doing this will go a long way in putting you in a good space with your partner.
Closing thoughts
There is no magic formula for perfecting the quality of communication between yourself and your partner. We all have those internal tapes in our heads that can get activated even without being aware of them. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, partner communication can break down without reaching a sense of resolution.
Be patient. There are other options worth exploring.
If, after mutual and good-faith efforts to improve your communications, consider consulting with an experienced and licensed counselor. Most are highly trained professionals that take their work seriously.
A counselor will not only answer your questions about the therapy and counseling process but will also put both of you at ease before your therapy sessions. One skill that most therapists are very good at is recognizing dysfunctional patterns of communication.
Most of the time, these patterns move in both directions. In other words, both partners are likely contributing, to one degree or another, to the communication breakdown. The therapist will help both of you recognize those patterns, help identify where they may have come from, and show you ways of changing them. The therapist will also provide you with helpful strategies on how to improve different aspects of your relationship.
You could also consider doing your therapy sessions online, though some therapists believe, if possible, it is advisable to have your first few sessions at the therapist’s office.
