Have you done something you thought was inappropriate and called yourself a terrible person, but then the pain of being insensitive and cruel was so much that you brushed it off as no big deal and then did something even worse?
Many of us are inclined to be cruel to ourselves when things go badly or don’t go as we hoped. We tend to think self-criticism is a form of discipline that strengthens us. Usually, it does just the opposite. Being unkind to ourselves creates inner conflict that tends to rot with time.
A more mindful approach is called for in these situations.
What if we chose to be self-caring and gentle instead? This is known as self-compassion, a cultivated practice in which we treat ourselves with kindness, understanding, and encouragement.
Sounds hard? It’s been proven to be possible. Let’s dive in to find out.
What does self-compassion mean?
Self-compassion is the kindness and understanding we extend toward ourselves when we face life-changing trouble such as financial hardship or a painful break-up with our partner.
Three situations in which we would benefit the most from self-compassion:
- When we are suffering or struggling in an unfortunate time
- When things go wrong, either due to us or someone else
- When we don’t like certain parts of ourselves, especially when those parts remind us of our parents
Since you are on this site, there is a good chance you are in the midst of some form of struggle. Are you judging yourself? Are you being critical of yourself? It does not matter if you are to blame or someone else.
Our most common reaction is to berate ourselves for being less than expected. Even worse, we blame ourselves when bad things happen to us that are not in our control.
It is helpful to remember what Gregory the Great once said about our fortunes, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and good things sometimes happen to bad people.
We don’t always know the message that Karma is sending us.
If we are truth seekers, however, we can usually look back in time and see that the lessons learned from trouble were constructive lessons we needed to learn.
Self-compassion is when we stop self-criticism and transform it into kindness. It gives us the means to accept our past and imperfections, soothe our emotional pains, and motivate ourselves to move on.
Self-compassion is hard to find in good times and even harder to find in bad times. Yet, there are so many reasons we should feel love and forgiveness for ourselves.
It’s too easy to forget that we learn more about ourselves when we make mistakes than when we don’t.
When we make mistakes, suffer, or struggle through difficult times, this is the time for self-compassion.
We must be prepared for the real challenge before us. Making what is unknown known to us. In other words, to see what we could not see about ourselves before.
This is how we learn and evolve. It is an incredibly powerful practice, but it first requires self-awareness and self-care.
Even if we feel like we are falling apart, having the courage and, yes, the self-compassion to puzzle through this cloud of unknowing is often an invitation from the cosmos to learn more about yourself.
It is an act of self-discovery that often leads to inner transformation, completion, and joy.
Three elements of self-compassion
The psychologist Dr. Kristen Neff conducted ground-breaking research on self-compassion in the early 2000s. Thanks to her and other researchers, we now know what self-compassion entails and what it is not (see below).
The three elements of self-compassion:
- Mindfulness: acknowledge our suffering with no judgment.
- Common Humanity: we are not alone in our suffering
- Self-kindness: choose to be kind to ourselves, to give ourselves what we need
These three elements shape the ways self-compassion benefits us:
- Mindfulness soothes the pain of negative feelings about ourselves.
- Common Humanity puts our failure in perspective, reminding us that others have made the same mistakes we did, and they survived, as would we.
- Self-kindness motivates us to make a choice: choose to be kind to ourselves and to do things that would help ourselves.
Let’s go into details below.
Be mindful
You may be familiar with mindfulness: letting go of thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Our suffering is more challenging to let go of than thoughts and feelings. It is when the practice of non-judgment comes in handy.
How do we stop judging things that trigger such visceral feelings in us?
We can tell ourselves: “This is a moment of suffering.” Then slow down. Visceral feelings often compel us to react with words and actions that hurt. We need to slow our minds down and just sit with one’s feelings for a while.
- Take deep breaths.
- Ask yourself: “What are you experiencing?”
- A flood of painful feelings and memories would likely overwhelm you. Name the feelings. Sit with them for a while.
- Resist the urge to run away. When you feel like escaping, it is because you judge yourself for these feelings.
- Let go of judgments. Imagine them as leaves blown away by the wind or a painting being whitewashed.
Sitting with ourselves sounds passive, but it is the first step in our self-compassion journey. Sitting with the things we may not like about ourselves means seeing ourselves for who we are, with no excuses, embellishments, or lies.
It starts as raw, painful, vulnerable, and authentic. But gradually, we would be awash with relief that we no longer have to lie to ourselves.
Eventually, it feels cathartic.
We do not have to feel everything simultaneously – that would be too much for anyone. Be kind – do this a little bit each time, but frequently.
Regular, bite-sized mindfulness is better than jumping headfirst into reliving the worst moments of our lives.
A note: if you are dealing with traumas, this mindfulness exercise can threaten your sense of safety and well-being. We recommend going to therapy for proper guidance on navigating traumas and their consequences.
For more resources on how to do mindfulness, please see the last section of this article.
You are not alone
“Suffering is a part of life.”
Mindfulness gives us a firmer grasp of ourselves, with no judgment. Common Humanity, then, helps us relate with other similar people.
We may recall others’ stories in TV, movies, books, the news, or from people we know. Our shameful experiences or detestable qualities are likely, not unique.
People have experienced the same things, and they will share them again. Sometimes we can only see ourselves as the clearest when we look at an example in someone else.
How did they deal with it? They may also struggle with self-compassion, just like us.
Here self-compassion can fill us with a sense of connection and belonging to a community of people who have gone through similar experiences.
They remind us that we are never really alone. We can feel their pain, and they can feel ours.
We are human beings, after all.
Be kind to yourself
Put both hands over your heart and feel the warmth of your hands. Notice the gentle touch, and feel your chest’s rhythmic rising and falling as you breathe. Then say to yourself: “May I be kind to myself?”
Self-kindness is not about letting ourselves go. Neither is it about pushing ourselves to be perfect so that we will deserve love.
Self-kindness asks, “What do you need?”
It is about recognizing that we deserve to get what we need. It encourages us to grow through trial and error. It does not abandon us when we fail. Instead, it is optimistic that we can do better the next time.
We may also feel fierce protectiveness rising when we stand up for who we are.
A helpful mantra: “Given my history of [abuse, trauma, grief], it is understandable that I [can’t do well at this thing].”
For example:
“Given my history of abuse, it is understandable that I am uncomfortable with peace.”
“Given my history of loss, it is understandable that I cling to people who mistreat me.”
This mantra is handy as it allows us to acknowledge how our shortcomings are a consequence of our past without placing the blame entirely on us.
Recalling this mantra whenever we feel self-hatred rising inside us, we can gently soften the blow and transform the loathing into grief and understanding.
In the following sections, we will use these three pillars of self-compassion:
- to correct common misunderstandings about self-compassion
- to give tips on how to bring down some barriers to developing self-compassion.
Myths of self-compassion
Self-compassion:
- is not self-esteem
- does not make you selfish
- is not self-indulgence
- is not failing others
- is not self-pity
- goes together with self-care
- goes further than mindfulness
More details are below.
Self-compassion is not self-esteem
Self-esteem is the positive vibe and confidence we feel about ourselves when we have good things.
Self-esteem is highly desirable in American culture. Think of our idolization of superheroes or the American dream of working hard to get rich. It is not just us – many cultures idolize positive traits such as success, power, or beauty.
Such cultural norms make it hard for us to appreciate the power of self-compassion. Our culture often neglects to admit that self-esteem is well-known for being fragile – at a moment of failure, it abandons us.
How can we live with ourselves when we fall short of our ideals? It is when self-compassion comes to our side.
Be mindful
So, your self-esteem is gone. Again. You feel like you’re stuck in a deep dark hole of your own making. Have you been here before? Several times. You know the feeling very well.
You are not alone
We all know what it feels like to fall from the high of self-esteem. Some deal with it healthily, like commiserating with a loved one. Some try to escape it for a while, such as drinking and binge-scrolling social media. How would you deal with it?
Be kind to yourself
What self-esteem cannot do is show us how to get back up again. It only joins us after we are up. It is a flaky friend. But self-compassion asks helpful questions like:
- What do you need right now?
- What is the following best way to pick yourself up again?
Does self-compassion make you selfish?
“You can’t asshole yourself into being a better person.”
To be selfish means you seek to benefit yourself at the expense of others.
Selfishness does not mean prioritizing yourself at times when you need it. It is self-care.
We are not selfish when we prioritize ourselves while considering others’ needs.
And what if we are indeed selfish at times?
Let’s use self-compassion to move on from our selfish moments:
Be mindful
Let’s be tenderly honest with ourselves: we have committed selfish acts. We are also aware of the consequences. Let yourself feel the cringe and the guilt of those moments.
You are not alone
Selfishness is so common that all of us have been, and will be, selfish. It is not to validate your desire but to stop you from becoming a monster. Selfishness is common, and so are ways to curb it.
Be kind to yourself
Do you want to be less selfish? What would motivate you? And what can you do to cultivate a healthy sense of morality and giving without feeling threatened by loss and betrayal? Explore these questions to see what may work for you.
Be hopeful. It has been proven that self-compassion compels you to hold yourself to a higher moral standard.
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence
Afraid self-compassion may make us go soft on ourselves?
Why do we need to be hard on ourselves, to begin with? Because we want to grow, achieve, and become better. Our culture believes that means working hard and being hard on ourselves.
It is particularly true for people with heavy commitments. They are the high-achievers held to lofty expectations, the responsible leaders, the selfless community givers, the dedicated caretakers, or the perfectionist top performers.
These people get to where they are by pushing their limits, so self-compassion seems like a sedative that may erode the willpower and discipline crucial to their success.
For those who don’t have such responsibilities, self-compassion also seems like letting loose our darker instincts. Our capitalistic society makes it extremely easy for us to spend more on things we don’t need and pay later with money we haven’t earned.
Many of us are just one purchase away from over-consumption and addiction. It is self-indulgence, and you are wise to be wary of it.
But self-compassion does not make space for more self-indulgence. The opposite may be true: it helps us see where we over-indulge, and it offers motivation to discipline ourselves without the whipping of harsh criticism.
Let’s counter self-indulgence with self-compassion:
Mindfulness
Acknowledge your weaker moments, the ones you are not proud of. Recalling these memories likely makes you cringe, embarrassed, or angry at yourself. Allow these negative feelings to wash through you without harsh judgments – they are a part of life and always pass.
You are not alone
No matter how personal and specific these shameful self-indulgent moments may seem, there must be a few people, if not thousands, who have gone through or will go through the same thing.
Take solace in the fact that you are not the only one who over-indulges occasionally.
Two steps into this self-compassion practice, do you smell any self-indulgence yet? No. So far, we are making you relive the moments, but in a different light.
Be kind to yourself
What do we gain from self-indulgence? Short-term escape, no long-term solution. You know you want to improve. What would you do to help yourself?
Answering this question needs trial and error. The key is to treat our trial and error with kindness and support so that we can admit our mistakes with minimal emotional punishment.
It is little use to make that pain worse with self-criticism. Instead, let’s allow ourselves the hope that we can learn from mistakes, harness better discipline, and grow.
Self-compassion is not failing others
Being compassionate to ourselves means taking away compassion from others as if compassion is a zero-sum game.
This anxiety is often found in those in caregiving or provider roles. If you are one, you may feel like taking some time in the day for yourself means taking time away from doing things for others.
We may be kidding ourselves if we think we have the compassion to give when we believe we are not receiving kindness from others. We are not robots. We cannot pour from an empty jar. This means we need to prioritize ourselves occasionally and do it without guilt.
This is how self-compassion helps us counter the guilt associated with self-care:
Mindful
Giving more than what you have is demanding. Please get back as much as you give. But why would you feel guilty for taking care of yourself when you don’t? Why feel unworthy of receiving the same respect you give to others? Why feel unsafe accepting help?
You are not alone
Many people in caregiving and provider roles don’t feel worthy of compassion. They may also be running themselves ragged. What would you wish they would do for themselves? What would you do for them?
Be kind to yourself – it’s contagious
Consider that being kind to yourself may give you the fuel to serve others. How else would you know kindness to perpetuate it?
When you treat yourself compassionately, you radiate warmth, calm, and acceptance. People around you will notice this and will even get inspired to do the same for themselves. It is empathic resonance. We show others how to do the same by being kind to ourselves.
Self-compassion is not self-pity
Self-pity means feeling sorry for ourselves with no intention of improving the situation. Self-pity is not destructive per se; it only becomes unhelpful when we over-identify with being a victim and give up on trying altogether.
Wallowing in self-pity feels safe. Being able to take matters into our own hands, and doing what needs to be done, might be more demanding, but it often results in positive results.
Self-compassion is an antidote to self-pity, according to Dr. Kristin Neff. Here’s how it could help combat passive self-pity:
Self-Pity
Self-pity does help you acknowledge your plight. It judges you and not in a good way. On the other hand, self-compassion halts the judging and encourages you to observe the impact of the problem with complete honesty, accounting for the influence of other people and your role in causing it.
You are not alone
Self-pity often makes us feel like we are the only ones suffering. But as a feeling, it is one of the most common ones. Knowing about other people in the same boat is humbling and consoling.
Be kind to yourself
Admittedly there is a dose of kindness in self-pity. After all, self-pity may not harshly criticize us; if anything, it is being lenient on us. It may feel compassionate, but it does nothing to get us out of our hole. Instead, it tempts us to keep suffering.
Therefore, to be genuinely kind to ourselves, we must take forward-moving action to improve our lives. Living in the affirmative.
It is where self-compassion excels. The encouragement you give yourself instills resilience without the fear of condemnation. It reassures us that even if we may not get what we want, we will be met with kindness from the most important person: ourselves.
Self-compassion goes together with self-care
Self-compassion and self-care overlap. We do self-care in good and bad times and all the times in between.
Self-compassion is especially effective in bad times.
Self-care is personal and practical. It is a set of habits that vary from person to person. For example, baking is a self-care practice for some people, but for others, baking is way out of their comfort zone.
Try this super-helpful interactive self-care guide. Parents, in particular, may wish to teach these skills to their children:
With self-care, we may take a break from tackling the problems for a while. It helps us restore our balance when we are exhausted.
Equally gentle but more drastic, self-compassion begins with a shift in mindset – we move on to solve the problems.
Self-compassion goes further than mindfulness
Mindfulness asks, “What are you experiencing?”
Self-compassion asks, “What do you need?”
Self-compassion begins with mindfulness but ends with practical actions.
Why is self-compassion important?
There have been many research and real-life accounts proving the significance of self-compassion. Self-compassion is crucial for your well-being.
However, this answer is not helpful when you think you don’t deserve it.
So, a question we’d instead ask is: “Why is self-compassion important to you?”
It is a personal question. The answer hinges on the foundation of self-love: do you believe you deserve love from yourself, warts and all?
If you do, self-compassion is essential when we hate ourselves the most – when we witness the worst in ourselves and still want to be a friend to ourselves – a reluctant but hopeful friend.
If you don’t think you deserve your love or the love has to be conditional (such as “lose five pounds and then maybe I’ll be kind to you”), then self-compassion can promise the most significant benefit, but developing it will be a steep learning curve for you.
Consult the list of resources in the last section for many ways to cultivate self-compassion.
Self-compassion in facing life-changing troubles
“How did I get myself into this trouble?” You must have asked yourself that question so many times. No amount of self-criticism can get you out of this. The only way out is through.
Self-compassion teaches us how to be a mentor and a close friend to ourselves at the worst of times:
Mindful
How have the troubles made you feel? Wretched, scared, humiliated, angry, and more? Feel each emotion as they come and go. The problem will unlikely go away anytime soon, so it’s better to get used to how it feels without making yourself feel small.
You are not alone
Share your trouble with people who care or those who can help. Suffering in silence or wallowing in self-pity may seem benign, but that weakens you and gives you the illusion that no one can help.
By sharing and connecting, the most important thing you may learn is how the odds are stacked against people in your situation and how hard it would be for you too. When the odds of failure were high, would it be fair to blame yourself for everything?
Be kind to yourself
Crises often follow crises. It gets worse before it gets better. Be prepared for the possible outcome that nothing would go in your favor despite your best effort.
You may have no control over it except to keep trying.
The only one you can reliably count on for kindness and understanding is likely yourself. Before making a difficult decision, reassure yourself honestly that you will still be on your side if things go south.
Why is developing self-compassion so tricky?
Let’s be compassionate to ourselves on our journey of learning self-compassion.
U.S. society conditions us to value achievement at the expense of compassion. We get celebrated by achieving. Society has clarified that we are worthy only when we are rich, successful, famous, or attractive. And ideally, all of them.
It reinforces our tendency to associate self-worth with achievements rather than with self-compassion. How we talk about personal net worth deludes us into thinking it also measures our self-worth.
Even when learning self-compassion, many of us do so to gain more success.
Ironically, self-compassion’s purpose is to reassure us that it is okay not to be successful through the eyes of others. Claiming that self-compassion is another way to gain external worth defeats its purpose.
So, let’s go through the three steps:
Be mindful
Self-compassion can be challenging due to the cultural norms of idolizing success over compassion. Understandably, we feel conflicted and uncomfortable about going against the mainstream.
You are not alone
Many other societies also think so. The obsession with success and positivity may be the illusion of our time. Still, there are so many people out there who are learning to be more self-compassionate. For example, check out the Mindful Self-Compassion courses for people worldwide.
Be kind to yourself
It is okay to find it hard. Anything worth keeping takes time. Try reaching out to like-minded communities that can be there with you while growing kinder to yourself.
Cultivate self-compassion: our shield against setbacks
“Be gentle; you are coming home to yourself.”
We stand to benefit the most from self-compassion in challenging times. During those times, we recognize our limits (mindfulness), connect with other people in the same situation (common Humanity), and soothe our pains with empathy and understanding (self-kindness).
Practicing self-compassion is an emotional rollercoaster. It is far from the numbing, fuzzy sensations of drugs, alcohol, or any escape that eventually leaves you even more guilty and self-hating.
You are indeed not alone when you start your self-compassion journey. Check out this comprehensive collection of resources, including:
- Website
- Courses
- Letters
- Activities
- Therapy
Try a 5-minute Fierce Compassion Break.
Visit Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion website for readings, exercises, and practices.
Visit The Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion for even more resources and support.
