Henry Dahut is a licensed California trial attorney. Over the course of his 30-plus years practicing law, Henry has represented and counseled countless clients in legal trouble.
Before you hire a divorce lawyer, you should know that getting a divorce is expensive, destabilizing, and usually heart-wrenching. That is why having the best possible divorce lawyer representing you is so important.
This article will help you understand the role of divorce lawyers and the divorce process, the types of work they perform, the fees they charge, and, most importantly, how to select your divorce lawyer by knowing the questions to ask them before making your selection.
What Divorce Lawyers Do
Divorce lawyers are litigators who represent the legal interests of their respective clients, whether they are seeking a legal separation or divorce. This includes negotiating issues related to custodial rights,division of property, child support, and spousal support, drafting divorce settlement agreements, and providing other related legal services.
Divorce Lawyer’s Role In Resolving the Following Divorce Issues
Divorce cases commonly require lawyers to resolve different types of disputes. Some can be resolved through a negotiated settlement, while others might require litigation.
Custodial Rights: Determining how parents will share custodial rights over the children.
Division of Property: Determining how to divide marital assets and debts fairly.
Child Support: Determining the amount of child support based on the child’s needs and the non-custodial parent’s ability to pay.
Spousal Support: Determining the need for spousal support and how much.
Collaborative divorce represents a unique approach to resolving marital disputes in a non-confrontational manner.
This process requires both parties to work with their respective lawyers to negotiate the terms of their divorce without resorting to litigation.
Divorce lawyers play a critical role in facilitating these negotiations, ensuring that communication remains respectful and productive.
Divorce lawyers provide legal advice to their clients, help identify and prioritize their interests, and sometimes work with other professionals, such as financial and estate planning advisors and mental health counselors, to address the emotional and psychological needs of both spouses and their children.
Divorce lawyers will ensure that all agreements are legally binding and reflect the parties’ intent.
Divorce Lawyer’s Role in Mediation
Divorce lawyers also participate in divorce mediation. Both collaborative divorce and mediation are valuable forms of resolution.
In divorce mediation, spouses work with a mediator to resolve their issues and, if possible, reach an agreement. The mediator helps the spouses communicate effectively, identify problems, and explore possible solutions.
On the other hand, collaborative divorce involves a team of professionals, including two collaborative lawyers, a mediator, and other experts who work together to help the couple reach a mutually beneficial agreement.
Divorce Lawyers Prepare All Legal Documents
Types of Documents Lawyers Prepare
Divorce and family lawyers are responsible for preparing various documents essential to the divorce process. Here a few examples:
Petition for Divorce: This is the initial divorce filing outlining the grounds for divorce and the legal relief sought.
Financial Affidavits: A detailed statement providing a comprehensive overview of the financial situation of both parties, including income, expenses, assets, and liabilities.
Parenting Plan: This document outlines whether it will be joint custody or separate custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and decision-making for children.
Protective Orders: In cases of domestic violence or threats, a divorce lawyer can prepare protective orders to ensure their client’s safety.
Your lawyer will advise you of the risks of going to trial rather than resolving the matter by settlement. Should you wish to proceed to trial, it will likely be heard by a judge rather than a jury. Your lawyer will prepare and mark all the evidence for submission to the court.
Your lawyer will call witnesses to testify and will cross-examine the opposing side’s witnesses. At the end of the trial, and once everyone has fully presented their case, the judge will make a final ruling on the matter.
What Divorce Lawyers Charge for Their Legal Services
Small Firms
Most divorce lawyers charge clients hourly and require a retainer from which they may draw their fees and costs. Based on recent surveys, you can expect to pay the average hourly rates for qualified and experienced divorce lawyers in the range of $200 – $500/hr. These rates will depend on your location. Firms in major cities are usually more expensive than those in rural areas.
The estimated cost to litigate a highly contested divorce through trial can range between $20,000 and $40,000 per spouse, sometimes much more.
Moderate Size Firms
If you retain a moderately large firm, its hourly rates will be divided between partner and associate time. You can expect hourly rates ranging from $350.00/hr to $750/hr, depending on whether it’s an associate or partner performing the work.
Predicting the total cost of a divorce with such firms is problematic.
Large Elite Firms
The leading and most elite firms in the nation, usually employing 500 or more lawyers, charge even higher rates, ranging from $500/hr to $2,000/hr or more.
These firms cater to high-worth clients with literally millions to lose, depending on the outcome of their divorce. These clients usually find their lawyers at their favorite country club rather than scrolling through an online legal directory.
Importance of Interviewing Potential Divorce Lawyers
Now that you know what divorce lawyers do, how much litigating a divorce will cost, and the immense complexity of the process, you can appreciate how important it is to first find the right lawyer for your case and specific needs. You should interview at least three divorce attorneys.
Before deciding on a divorce lawyer, conducting a thorough interview is essential to ensure they align with your needs and personal values.
To help you with the attorney selection process, we have assembled ten of the most important questions you should ask the attorney.
Ten Must Interview Questions To Ask
Have you handled cases similar to mine, and what were the outcomes?This gives insight into relevant experience and success rates.
How do you handle disagreements that may arise during the divorce process? Knowing how your lawyer deals with conflict can provide insight into their problem-solving skills.
What are the possible outcomes of my divorce case? A good lawyer will not promise specific results but can outline potential scenarios based on their experience.
How will my case be affected if my spouse and I cannot agree on critical issues? This question will help you understand the lawyer’s approach to contested matters and the potential for litigation.
What is your experience with the family court judges in my jurisdiction? Knowing the lawyer’s familiarity with the local judiciary can be advantageous in planning case strategy.
Can you help me understand the tax implications of my divorce settlement? This is crucial for financial planning post-divorce.
How do you plan to involve me in the decision-making process throughout my case?It’s essential to know how collaborative the process will be and to ensure your preferences are considered.
Can you provide references from past clients who had cases similar to mine? References can give you insight into the lawyer’s performance and client satisfaction.
What is the most challenging aspect of my case from your perspective, and how do you plan to address it? This gives you an idea of potential hurdles and the lawyer’s strategy for overcoming them.
How does your firm handle the division of assets and debts, and what information will you need from me to proceed? Understanding the firm’s approach to asset and debt division will help you prepare the necessary documentation and information.
Interviewing Tip: We advise interviewing three or more divorce lawyers. To save time, consider requesting that the initial consultation be conducted by telephone. The telephone consult can be a good litmus test. The chances are good that if you were uncomfortable with the attorney on the phone, you will likely feel even less comfortable in person.
Key Takeaways
Roles and Responsibilities: The divorce lawyer will manage all legal aspects of marital dissolution, from filing divorce papers to negotiating terms of asset division and custodial arrangements.
Choosing a Lawyer: In the initial consultation, inquire about their experience, approach to divorce cases, and communication style to ensure they align with your needs.
Alternative Dispute Resolutions: Consider mediation or collaborative divorce as less adversarial, often cheaper alternatives to traditional divorce litigation.
Costs Involved: Understanding the potential costs, from lawyer’s fees to court costs, is essential for planning your financials during a divorce.
Legal Documents: Familiarize yourself with the types of legal documents involved, such as financial affidavits and marital settlement agreements, to better understand the divorce process.
Expert Involvement: Depending on the complexity, your case might need additional experts like child custody evaluators or financial analysts, affecting overall costs and strategies.
Be Prepared: Potential Services to Consider
(The above image depicts a woman moving boxes out of her house after a divorce, capturing the moment of transition and the potential need for relocation services)
When navigating the divorce process, be proactive about what you need now and what you might need once the divorce concludes. The following are valuable services you might need later, even if you have yet to consider them.
Financial Advisors: Divorce can significantly impact your financial landscape. Engaging a financial advisor can help with asset division, restructuring investments, and planning for your financial future post-divorce.
Tax Consultants: The implications of divorce on taxes can be complex, involving issues like alimony, child support, and asset division. A tax consultant can provide guidance to ensure you comply with tax laws while optimizing your financial outcomes.
Relocation Services: If you need to move out or find a new residence post-divorce, relocation services can assist with finding new housing, moving logistics, and setting up your new home.
Storage Units: As you transition to new living arrangements, you might need temporary storage for your belongings. Renting a storage unit can provide a secure space for your items during this transitional period.
Therapeutic Support: The emotional toll of divorce is substantial. Therapists or counselors specializing in divorce can help you navigate these challenges, offering support and strategies to manage stress and emotions.
Support Groups: Joining support groups can help you heal from divorce, where you can connect with others going through similar situations and can provide emotional comfort and practical advice, helping you feel less alone and isolated, and more empowered during your divorce process.
Watch Florida Attorney Marks Explain The Collaborative Divorce Law Process:
In almost all states, spouses can file a no-fault or fault-based divorce. In addition, both types of divorce can be contested or uncontested. What does this mean? Mostly, it means that before you file for divorce, you should carefully consider whether you want to take an aggressive and uncooperative approach to your divorce or one that is less expensive, quicker, and less emotionally damaging to your life and those of your children.This article provides a basic understanding of the differences between an uncontested divorce and a contested one. We will also cover the difference between a no-fault divorce and a fault-based one.
Divorce Is Either Contested Or Uncontested
The divorce process is an emotionally and financially draining process even when the parties agree to a divorce and the major divorce-related issues that must be resolved. Issues such as dividing child custody, dividing marital property, and payment of spousal support.However, the process can become counterproductive and mutually destructive when the divorcing parties refuse to resolve their differences and demand that the issues be fully litigated.
Uncontested Divorce
While divorce is a life-changing process, this doesn't have to mean the parties can't commit to resolving their differences in a mature and responsible manner. If not for themselves, then for their children.
An uncontested divorce occurs when both divorcing spouses agree on the significant terms of the divorce, such as the amount of child support.An uncontested divorce is emotionally less draining, complicated, and less expensive. It can be accomplished in most states by filing a joint divorce petition.Uncontested divorces are generally not appealable, but specific issues may be modified through the family court process.Mediation can be an easier and mutually beneficial path for spouses committed to resolving their differences in a civil and respectful way. One reason for favoring mediation is that spouses have control over the process, which usually means a quicker and less expensive way to resolve their differences.
Contested Divorce
A contested divorce is the most complicated because the divorcing parties cannot agree on the major issues and insist that the divorce court judge fully adjudicate most, if not all, of them.The contested divorce is often emotionally damaging during and after the divorce. to both the parties and the children. In contested divorces, the judge is ultimately responsible for deciding on issues such as property division, child custody, visitation, and spousal support.
The Major Issues To Be Resolved
Divorce is the legal dissolution of the marriage which establishes each of the following spouse's rights, including:
Which spouse will receive legal custody of the children
Which spouse will receive physical custody of the children
Which spouse will be entitled to remain in the family home
Which spouse will have visitation rights and their terms
Which spouse will receive what percentage of the property
Which spouse will receive marital support and how much
Which spouse will be paying the bulk of the child support
With so many issues to resolve, most divorcing couples prefer not to add to the chaos and choose to have a no-fault divorce.We will now cover the major difference between no-fault and fault-based divorces.
No-Fault Divorce
When you file for a "no-fault" divorce, you need not prove that your spouse did anything wrong, was sentenced to prison, or deserted the family. All you have to assert is that the marriage is no longer working. Or, as most no-fault states define it, there are irreconcilable differences between the parties.
Irreconcilable Differences
Irreconcilable differences mean the spouses choose to end the marriage without engaging in the blame game of wrongdoing, especially if the partners want to protect the children from the emotional turmoil a contentious divorce can cause.
Divorce Based On Fault
To obtain a divorce based on fault, the spouse seeking the divorce must prove physical or mental cruelty, abandonment, or whatever other grounds for divorce your state requires. These cases can get ugly very quickly, and lawyers rarely recommend them. The judge almost always disfavors them.
Fault In A No-Fault State
Even if you are in a "no-fault state," a spouse still has the option to allege fault as the legal basis of the divorce. Under these circumstances, some states allow judges to consider abusive and deceitful behavior of the parties when the court rules on issues involving the distribution of marital property and spousal support.If you want the judge to do this in your divorce case, you should include this in the petition and include evidence for the court to consider. But you should know that putting these allegations in public documents might make the divorce much more contentious than it needs to be.
The Quasi No-Fault State
In quasi-no-fault jurisdictions, one spouse will sometimes refuse to end the marriage and oppose the divorce at all costs, even if it means taking a scorched-earth approach to end their marriage.The courts in these jurisdictions do not favor the party that insists on fighting it out in court and legally obstructing the other spouse's preference to proceed with a no-fault divorce.
Divorce Lawyers
If you have questions or require additional information about your legal rights and obligations, consult a verified Divorce Attorney as soon as possible.
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Spousal Stay-Away Orders
These Orders Are Commonly Issued From Family Law Courts
The courts take these types of restraining orders very seriously. They are issued by the court to prohibit one of the spouses from doing or not doing something perceived as potentially harmful to the other spouse or children.
[LegalTip]Restraining Orders Can Significantly Impact Custodial Rights: Even though restraining orders are usually temporary, they can have long-term effects on child custody and visitation rights. In situations in which domestic violence is alleged, the accused parent may be restricted by the court from having any access or contact with the child whatsoever.[/LegalTip]
Stay-Away Orders Backed By Courts Contempt Power
The most common type of restraining order is the "stay away" order, which legally prohibits one spouse from being near the other spouse or children. Intentionally violating a restraining order is a criminal offense and constitutes contempt of court.Restraining orders usually require that the moving party, the spouse seeking the restraining order, offer evidence to the court of abusive and/or potentially harmful conduct committed or likely to be committed by the other spouse.If the court issues a restraining order, the court has likely been convinced that one of the parties is not acting as a responsible parent and, therefore, can influence the court's decision to determine that party's custodial rights later.
General Procedure For Obtaining A Stay-Away Order
The legal rules and procedures necessary to obtain a restraining order depend entirely on your state's laws. For this reason, we are using the State of California as a general guide to familiarize you with how most states deal with the restraining order process.
What You Can Likely Expect From The Court Process
The following are general requirements and the types of information most courts will require from you. All courts have forms that assist you in the step-by-step process and help you manage it.The better prepared you are to provide the court with all relevant and required information, the higher the likelihood that you will be granted a restraining order and other remedies described below.
Filling Out A Domestic Violence Restraining Request
The first step in getting a domestic violence restraining order is to inform the court about the abuse you've experienced and the protection you want. This is accomplished by filling out a set of court forms. This usually takes one to several hours to review and fill out for most people. It's best to start with the most recent abuse first, even if it is not the worst.
Describing The Abuse
Write Down All Major Events Of What Happened
The judge needs facts in making their decision. For example, if the person has been harassing you, tell the judge what the person specifically did to you, how many times they harassed you or made contact with you, and what they said and did in each incident. If you have proof, such as emails or text messages, make sure to include them with your request.
Not Recalling All Dates And Specific Events
Once you finish writing about the most recent event, it's advised that you write about any other incident you want the judge to know about, including the worst of the abuse. Give as much detail as possible for each incident and if you can, provide specific dates. While exact dates are preferred, approximate dates are also acceptable at this stage of the court proceedings.If you need to remember the exact day something happened, give an estimate and write down that it is an estimate. For example, One incident occurred in the early evening hours about a week before Christmas. My estimate is likely December 20th, 2022. [TroubleTip]Your Request For Restraining Must Be Factually Specific: To help you remember specific incidents that support your case, consider whether the incident happened around a holiday or a special occasion. Often, this will help jog your memory of the facts, times, persons, and dates surrounding the event.[/TroubleTip]
Detail What Specific Orders You Want
Are You Requesting A "Spousal Support" Order?
Spousal support is the amount of money the abused spouse will need to help with living expenses. If you file one, you can also ask for spousal support in a divorce or legal separation case. This step is an optional part of your restraining order request.The judge examines the approximate amount the spouse requires to pay their expenses and whether the alleged abuser makes a sufficient amount to meet that need.
Are You Requesting A "Child Support" Order?
A child support order specifies how much a parent must pay monthly to support the child. A judge will consider both parents' ability to pay and the time each parent spends with their child to decide who will pay child support. Most of the time, child support is paid to the parent who has the child most of the time, also called the primary custodial parent.
Make Sure To Give Notice Of The Court Hearing
The judge or its available family court support staff will likely assist you in completing the necessary forms. One requirement is to give prior notice to the accused of the day and time of the hearing so that they will have an opportunity to attend to explain or oppose your request.
Major Misconceptions About Spousal Restraining Orders
Misconception: Restraining Orders Are Only for Physical AbuseReality: Many believe that restraining or stay-away orders are necessary only in cases of physical violence, overlooking that they can also address emotional abuse, harassment, or threats.
Misconception: Restaining Orders Are Automatically GrantedReality: Requesting a restraining or stay-away order does not guarantee its approval. Courts sometimes require substantial evidence of a threat or abuse.
Misconception: Restraining Orders Are PermanentReality: Restraining and stay-away orders can be temporary or permanent, depending on the circumstances, facts, and judgment of the court.
Misconception: You Need a Lawyer to Obtain a Restraining OrderReality: While having a lawyer can help, individuals can file them on their own. Today, courts provide spouses and former spouses with step-by-step guidelines on filing them, what the application for the order must state, and what they will need to prove at the hearing.
Misconception: Restraining Orders Prevent All ContactReality: Restraining and stay-away orders rarely prohibit any contact with a spouse or former spouse. In many cases, restraining orders may allow necessary communications, especially regarding shared children.
Misconception: Restraining They Are Only for Spouses and Former SpousesReality: Restraining and stay-away orders apply only to married or formerly married couples. In fact, they can be sought by anyone in a domestic relationship, including partners and cohabitants.
Misconception: Violating a Restraining Order Is a Minor OffenseReality: Many people underestimate the seriousness of violating a restraining order. Based on the facts and circumstances, violations can lead to criminal and contempt of court charges, fines, and even jail time.
Divorce Attorneys
If you have specific questions or require additional information about your legal rights and obligations, consult a verified Divorce Attorney as soon as possible.
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What are the differences between a Divorce and an Annulment?
This article will cover the essential differences between a divorce and an annulment, as well as the advantages and disadvantages of each.
Annulment
An annulment is a court order that judicially determines the marriage was not legally validly entered into in the first place and is voided.Divorce is also different from legal separation. In a legal separation, the property and support rights of the husband and wife are decided, but they remain legally married. If you want to remarry, you must get a divorce. A legal separation alone will not allow you to remarry.
Divorce
Divorce, sometimes called dissolution, is the legal process by which a valid marriage is ended. The judge apportions the separate property from the parties' community property, orders spousal support if appropriate, makes child custody orders, and orders child support to be paid by one or both parents.The following are the advantages and disadvantages of obtaining an annulment.
Advantages of an Annulment
Alimony and attorney fees can be awarded to a party that had a good faith belief that their marriage was legally valid (also known as a putative spouse) but, in fact, was not. If a party lacks this good faith belief, the court may not award spousal support, attorney fees, or both.
Suppose the annulment was granted based on fraud. In that case, there may be grounds to disregard the prior marital property transactions made during the voidable marriage.
Unlike divorce, which may require proof of residency for a specific period of months, a party seeking divorce has no such time requirement.
Disadvantages of an Annulment
Both parties to an annulment must be physically present in court at all stages in the proceeding.
Establishing legal grounds to annul the marriage is more complex than petitioning for divorce, especially if the parties are in a no-fault divorce state.
Issues of the respective spouse's motives are highly relevant in annulment petitions. Unlike the dissolution of a marriage in which fault is not a factor to be considered by the court, in cases of annulment, one party's bad faith motive, especially if the behavior was deceitful, can considerably impact how property is split, whether support is issued, and how attorney fees are paid.
In annulment cases, there is no assumption of community property. However, suppose both parties to the invalid marriage in good faith believed that the marriage was legitimate. In that case, the court may classify the property as quasi-community property.
Divorce Lawyers
If you have specific questions or require additional information about your legal rights and obligations, consult a verified Divorce Lawyer as soon as possible.
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[post_content] => Going through a divorce is both emotionally and financially draining. If your spouse contests your divorce, you should consider that attorney fees and costs in your case can run into tens of thousands of dollars. Depending on your financial situation, if you go from a two-income family to a one-income one, you might find yourself straddled with debt after your divorce.
Borrowing Money For Your Divorce Case
Divorce is financially draining, especially if the case is contested
Before you apply for a personal unsecured loan to cover your legal fees in a divorce case, consider the following information carefully.
Payment of interest: While interest rates on personal loans are usually substantially lower than on credit cards, you will still have to pay interest on your loan.
Qualifying for a loan takes work: Depending upon your income and credit score, it may take some time to obtain a loan - especially without collateral.
Personal loans usually come in a fixed amount: When you apply and get accepted for a personal loan, you receive a fixed amount of money. If your divorce costs more than what you expected, you will need to take out an entirely new loan.
Lump-Sum Loans: The danger here is that since you receive the entire amount upfront, you will likely be paying interest on borrowed money you may only need for a few months. Yet the interest still accumulates.
Qualify for an unsecured loan?
You will need to determine if you can qualify for a loan. Suppose you have excellent credit and a FICO® score of between 700 to 850. In that case, there is a good chance of qualifying for a personal loan with a reasonable interest rate.Depending on the amount you want to borrow, qualifying for a personal loan without collateral, with a credit score of between 580 to 650, will be more difficult and will likely carry much higher interest rates.
Advantages of working with an online lender.
According to Experian, online lenders are usually easier to work with, have faster approval times, and are usually more flexible with borrowers with less-than-perfect credit.If you are committed to getting a personal loan for your divorce, use an online service that will run a comparison for you on lender loan amounts, terms, interest rates, and fees.
Keep Borrowing To A Minimum
Borrowing for divorce legal fees could leave you in a difficult position once the divorce is finalized. Throwing money at an emotionally charged problem like a divorce can put you in serious debt, so it's advisable to look for ways to cut costs during the divorce. See our discussion on the benefits of frugality.
Consider A Mediated Divorce
A mediated divorce usually costs considerably less than litigating your case in divorce court. Learn more about the many emotional and financial advantages of mediating your divorce.
Lenders
Make sure to shop around for the most affordable financing possible. You want to avoid starting your new life in debt.
More Articles and Helpful Services...
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[post_content] => In marriage, we go from our single identity personhood to a combined identity. On just one ceremonial day, vows get exchanged, and we are in union with another soul. In living together, a close and enduring partnership can also notice a slow but steady merging of individual identities. But things can and do change, and after time, even with the best efforts of the spouses, a marriage can sometimes falter and fail. Like marriage, divorce has the same power to transform one's life dramatically. Divorce often creates a shift in life circumstances that can appear almost surreal as children get raised between two separate households. Each is now a single parent with its own set of challenges.
The divorce process
Did you know that current studies show that 20% of marriages in the United States are likely to end in divorce within the first five years of marriage?
The values and culture behind the Divorce process have shifted dramatically over the past few decades.
In earlier times, filing for divorce did not mean you would be granted a divorce. You could petition for a divorce based on various grounds - adultery, cruelty, or desertion - but you had to prove the claim in court before the marriage could be dissolved. Today, the process is much more straightforward; you need only to assert 'irreconcilable differences' to legally justify divorce in most states. That's the easy part. Now the spouses must resolve all outstanding issues regarding child custody, division of property, and spousal support. Other legal forms of obtaining a divorce include divorce by annulment, divorce by legal separation, and divisible divorce. Even in no-fault divorce jurisdictions, courts still tend to treat the parties as if they were in a contested divorce, with lawyers pinning one spouse against the other. Whatever the marriage was like, the cost of treating your husband or wife as an adversary has emotional consequences for the parties and especially the children. Many parents do not appreciate how profound the emotional ties are between child and parent until the family unit ends. For the children, a divorce can seem like an "atom bomb" in their lives, and the emotional scars it causes are known to last well into the child's adult years.
Difficulty in affording a divorce attorney
Divorce mediation is a cost-effective alternative
Some people cannot afford adivorce attorney to help with the divorce proceedings or do not want the stress of judges and lawyers turning spouses into adversaries. Generally, if there is a significant difference in the spouses' income, the judge will order the spouse with the higher income to pay the other spouse's divorce fees. Or, if you have no current income but are likely to get substantial property when the case is over, a lawyer may take your case and make arrangements to be paid from the proceeds of the property you receive in the divorce. Finances are one reason why trying to mediate your divorce can be so compelling. Litigating a divorce is very expensive - both sides may eventually see the advantages of negotiating it rather than litigating it.
Divorce mediation and the marital settlement agreement
The mediated divorce
It's worth noting that there is an alternative to fighting it out in court without giving up your rights. It is called a mediated divorce, which is now available in almost all states and provides a neutral and non-combative forum to resolve the issues and complexities of the divorce process. With a mediated divorce, you can reach a dissolution of your marriage without adding extra stress and minimizing the expenses. The parties sign the mediated divorce settlement agreement. It gets submitted to the court for approval. It is converted into a judicial order and will carry the same force and effect as a court-ordered decree.When and if divorce mediation results in an agreement or settlement, known as a marital settlement agreement, the mediator has the legal power to make the agreement legally binding on both parties. In the case of family law divorce mediation, there are a few things you should carefully consider.If both parties believe their respective lawyers can work together and settle the case quickly, amicably, and inexpensively, why hire a mediator? Being an advocate often causes a lawyer to respond aggressively or initiate preemptive strikes that the other party finds threatening.It is difficult for a lawyer to advocate for their client while also serving the role of a peacemaker. Under these circumstances, using a mediator might be like taking out an insurance policy to maintain an amicable situation among all parties and counsel. It also affords the parties the benefit of a trained, innovative problem-solver. Finally, mediation can be a transformative experience that may improve the interaction and lives of former spouses moving forward.
Moving to separate homes - relocation and moving issues
Finding a new space
Finding a new place to live can feel overwhelming in heavily populated centers. Apartment hunting can be time-consuming and stressful after a breakup. That is where an online apartment locator can be helpful.Nowadays, many services exist online to find rental units. Still, it can also be valuable to connect with a real estate agent who knows the area well. It's essential to be honest about your situation and needs as you begin your search.Let your friends and the people you work with know you're looking. Someone may come up with a lead for you. The best apartments often change occupants without ever being advertised.
Relocating with children
Moving with children can be a big deal. Their excitement, reluctance, anxiety, and other moods will challenge your patience. If you can be proactive and calm, you'll make a move easier for them and yourself. When moving with children, try giving them as much notice as possible that they'll be moving to give them time to think about it. Don't expect them to be pleased by the news. Home represents security, and moving is an unknown and destabilizing thing. Ask your children how they feel and talk freely about their concerns. Be realistic about the move. Don't paint it as all fun, or give them unrealistic expectations about their new home, or tell them that they'll make lots of friends right away.
You lead and the children will follow
The children will follow your lead. Make sure they feel as though they're part of the move rather than just cargo. [TroubleTip]When you get to your new home, don't try to unpack all your belongings all at once. Get the children settled into their rooms with their stuff, and then take the time to explore the new neighborhood with them. You can unpack your things gradually.[/TroubleTip]Try not to dwell so much on memories of their old home that you impair their ability to adapt to the new one. Just as you allow them time to leave their old home, schools, and friends, give them additional time to adjust to their new environment. Let them settle into their new home at their own pace.
Relocating with pets
Your home is also your pets' home. They may find pet travel a very distressing occurrence. Talk to your veterinarian about ways to make a move as easy as possible for your pets.Consider placing your animals in a pet hotel for a couple of days before you move while the packing is being done and again at your destination while you unpack.Make sure you take your pets' beds and toys with you and make them feel secure in the new environment. It's a good idea to keep the cat indoors at your new home for at least a few weeks to acclimate to its new environment. Keep the dog on a leash or within a fenced yard when it's outside. Your pets may be uneasy while they're settling into their new home. Be sensitive to their anxiety and be careful. Moving homes is not a good time for your toddler to bother them.If you're moving across state lines, you should know that most states regulate the entry of pets, ranging from parrots to pythons. Finally, you might wish to contact a Veterinarian in the state to which you're moving to learn about local regulations and necessary health certificates. Pets cannot be transported in moving trucks.
Payment of moving services
Whether you're moving because you have been relocated, lost a job, or going through a divorce, you need to think about the move's logistics. One aspect is planning for payment for your moving services before you arrive at your destination. Ask moving companies in advance what form of payment will be acceptable. The payment terms should be clearly stated on the Order for Service and must be on the Bill of Lading. Read the moving company's terms and conditions before agreeing to them.
The prospect of a conscious uncoupling
No matter the counseling method, seeking the services of a qualified MFT Counselor is a productive step toward emotional recovery.If we see our partners helping us grow and evolve, we can avoid some of the nastiness of divorce and have what is called a 'Conscious Uncoupling.' The idea of using the word 'uncoupling' to describe divorce has been around for decades. But in the 70s, sociologist Diane Vaughan produced her "uncoupling theory." In 2009, Katherine Woodward Thomas began using 'conscious uncoupling' more broadly to teach an alternative to the traditional divorce process.As described through her work, a conscious uncoupling provides the ability to see each conflict in a relationship as a signal to look inside and identify an injured internal part of ourselves that needs healing. As Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami suggest, "Because current events always trigger pain from a past event, it's never the current situation that needs the real fixing. It's just the echo of an older emotional injury and depression. If we can remain conscious of this during our uncoupling, we will understand how we relate to ourselves internally as we go through an experience that's the real issue, not what's actually happening."
How to behave during and after divorce
Some of us may find peace in the planning and logistics phase of a divorce. Still, we may experience discomfort regarding how to behave socially. Ending a relationship can be fraught with anxiety and regret. In ending any serious relationship, you learn that understanding and respect for the other can leave you both feeling better – even if you honestly believe your partner somehow wronged you. This is the challenge, and it's also the place for personal growth and breakthroughs. Here are a few suggestions:.
Say no to drama
Suppose you intend to leave the relationship without harming each other and without regret. In that case, you will need to consciously turn away from harmful "drama" and toward patience and understanding. This is not the time to expose deep frustration or bring up painful memories. Breaking up is unfortunate enough; drama only makes a bad situation worse. Even if you feel your partner is to blame for the failed relationship, don't make breaking up about how the other person ruined it. Divorce does not need to be punitive; no one needs to be judged nor rendered guilty by the other. It takes two to fall in love, and it usually takes two to fall out of love.
Be in communication
Remember this age-old axiom? Do unto your partner as you would like your partner to do unto you. Negative karma is a natural consequence of vindictive behavior. If this was a serious and loving relationship, intentionally not returning your partner's phone calls (or text messages or emails) ruins your opportunity to bring closure and transformation to an already difficult situation. While it is not easy, being in communication can head off many potential conflicts before they begin.
Don't cause confusion
When you end the relationship, it is usually helpful for you and your partner to acknowledge that the marital relationship has actually and officially ended. Hope can keep the connection alive without some expressed form of shared acknowledgment of this fact. Remember, the goal here is to gain as much emotional closure as possible and to begin to move your life forward again. It is not unusual for one of the spouses to seek help with their emotions by speaking with a qualified counselor.This may be a good time to begin setting boundaries with your former spouse on issues such as invites to family events and upcoming occasions of shared friends.
Post-divorce counseling
Creating a new life
In the end, there is no other way to cut it – divorce is about change and renewal. So here, you have two choices: dig in and refuse the change or actively participate in creating your new life. This is where an experienced counselor can be of great value to you.Many people moving through a divorce are best served by working with the moments of pain, beauty, and insight gleaned from their relationship in a therapeutic setting. Please consider seeking a therapist to support you in your divorce process and the opening of a new chapter in your life. A good therapist can assist you in taking steps toward the kind of life you want to live. You are building a new life with a chance to create new patterns of behavior and new levels of understanding. If you can lean into this process, it can also open your heart in ways that might surprise you.
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[post_content] => Getting married is easy. Getting divorced is hard. Thankfully, divorce mediation has made the process of divorce much less stressful and costly than litigating your divorce in court.
According to the Civil Mediation Council, 75-80% of cases settle on the day of the mediation itself, and another 10-15% settle shortly after.
Divorce Mediation has grown in popularity over the past 20 years, and for good reason.
This article covers the basics of divorce mediation. You will learn how mediation has evolved and the advantages of mediating divorce rather than litigating your case in court.
The Evolution of Divorce
The way we divorce has been evolving for years. In past times, divorce was impossible. Then, the law changed to allow divorce for adultery, cruelty, or desertion. Still, the spouse had to prove these claims to terminate the marriage.
Thanks to no-fault divorce, in most states, you are no longer required to prove fault to dissolve your marriage. The parties only need to legally assert there are irreconcilable differences between the parties to end the marriage.
But that’s the only uncomplicated part. If one or both parties want to litigate specific issues of the divorce, they have the right to do so, and the court has the power to manage all phases of the divorce litigation, including trial.
This means your case will be adversarial, expensive, and stressful for all parties, including the children. This is especially true if the parties choose to litigate child support and custody issues.
Divorce Court – Adversarial Process
Trial Courts View the Parties as Adversaries
The trial courts have traditionally and still do view the litigants to divorce as adversaries. The result is that it pins one spouse against the other, emotionally damaging the parents and the children.
Litigating your divorce involves completing many forms and being forced to divulge personal and financial information. Those forms are filed with the court and served on your spouse, who is now officially your adversary.
The Misery of Divorce Litigation
Whatever the marriage was like, the cost of treating your husband or wife as an adversary in a legal proceeding will be emotionally charged and often crippling financially for both sides.
The only winners are the lawyers – and most of them hate their work and see themselves as caretakers of misery.
The Court Controls of All Divorce Issues
The court will exert strict control over custody, parenting, and child-support arrangements if there are young children. Too many parents fail to appreciate the profound emotional ties between a child and their parent until the family unit ends.
For children, a divorce can feel like an “atom bomb” in their lives, and the emotional scars it causes can last well into their adult years.
The Mediated Divorce Option
Without giving up your rights or your lawyer to help you understand and navigate the complexity of the divorce process, you can achieve the dissolution of your marriage without adding to the anxiety and emotional damage while minimizing the expense.
What Does a Mediator Do?
The divorce mediator’s primary objective is to assist and facilitate a mutually acceptable resolution to the party’s differences.
The mediator does not represent the interests of either spouse. Instead, it is the official role of the mediator to function as an unbiased referee between the parties and, in most cases, with the advice and consent of their counsel.
What Happens at The Mediation?
The mediator usually begins the mediation session by explaining the mediation process. It is customary for the mediator to explain the divorce law process to the parties and the probable outcomes if they cannot resolve their disputes in mediation.
Mediation sessions also provide a safe platform to discuss sensitive issues like domestic violence, which can significantly influence decisions on child custody, property division, and spousal support. This approach ensures that all aspects are considered carefully and respectfully, promoting a fair and comprehensive resolution.
The experienced divorce mediator will make a convincing argument that the parties have a valuable opportunity to solve their differences in mediation rather than have a stranger, usually a divorce judge, make those decisions for them.
The divorce mediator will likely focus on persuading the couple to reach their own agreement on key custodial and property-division rights and avoid the risks and expenses of going to trial.
The Marital Settlement Agreement
The Collaborative Divorce Process
In the collaborative divorce process, a successful mediation leads to an uncontested divorce where both parties agree on the essential terms laid out in the mediation agreement, including the division of financial assets. This agreement is then formalized in the final divorce decree, ensuring a swift and equitable resolution.
During mediation sessions, divorcing spouses work together to formulate a divorce settlement agreement that addresses critical issues such as spousal support and child custody. The process typically involves a series of four-way meetings between the couple and their collaboratively trained attorneys.
These meetings provide a structured environment for open communication, negotiation, and problem-solving. Neutral professionals, such as child psychologists, mental health counselors, financial advisors, and divorce coaches, may also be brought into the collaborative team as needed.
Sometimes, a spouse, usually the mother, insists on having sole legal and physical custody of the children. Having a divorce coach present can explain to that spouse how courts normally rule on one parent having sole custody of the children and how the children can easily become alienated from the other parent.
Divorce Tip
[LegalTip]Divorce Coaches Do Not Provide Legal Advice: Their role is complementary to that of the collaborative attorney. The attorney focuses on the legal aspects of the divorce, while the coach focuses on the client's emotional well-being and ability to effectively participate in the process. This collaborative approach aims to achieve a more holistic and positive outcome for divorcing individuals.[/LegalTip]
The collaborative process can also help the parents develop a post-divorce co-parenting plan for them to follow.
If the divorce mediation is successful, the mediator will often draft a mutually agreed-upon settlement agreement. A copy of the draft settlement agreement is provided to each party and their counsel for review to ensure it accurately and legally reflects the essential terms and conditions of the settlement.
It should be noted that in most states the mediator has the legal power to legally bind the agreement on both parties.
Common Objections to Mediation
Both our lawyers are settlement-minded, so why should we spend more money by hiring a mediator?
Being an advocate often causes a lawyer to respond aggressively or initiate preemptive strikes that the other party finds threatening. It is difficult for a divorce lawyer to take care of a client and play the role of a mediator at the same time.
Mediation may be unnecessary if the lawyers can work together and settle the case quickly, amicably, and inexpensively. In truth, this rarely happens.
One way to view the mediator’s role is like taking out an insurance policy that safeguards the neutrality of the process. Having a mediator ensures you will benefit from a trained problem-solver who has the respect of the attorneys and is uniquely situated to rein in the attorneys should they assume an overly adversarial and non-constructive posture.
Isn’t mediation just another form of dual representation, with all the limitations that conflicts create?
Unless there is a written waiver from all parties, a single lawyer must withdraw from representing two clients when conflicts appear irreconcilable. Conflicts, real or apparent, are generally present in virtually all dual representation situations.
As a neutral third party, the mediator represents neither party.
Can mediation help couples that are bent on being vindictive and uncooperative?
Since over 90 percent of cases settle, the issue isn’t whether it will settle but when, how, and for how much. Many jurisdictions now have mandatory mediation on both parenting and economic issues.
In litigation horror stories, lawyers are often the victims, left with a lost stomach lining, unsatisfied clients, and unpaid receivables.
A primary but less-known role of mediators is to provide consensual case management, which can impose some structure on the chaos and still give lawyers the freedom of traditional advocacy that judicial case management can remove.
How do divorce mediators justify their fees?
Some divorce mediators may overcharge, and others may not produce a process or result worth the expenditure. However, even with the use of a mediator and independent consulting lawyers, the cost of a mediated divorce is usually far lower than a case directly negotiated between two adversarial lawyers.
It is undoubtedly lower than litigated divorces. Even co-mediated divorces do not increase fees compared to mediated divorces. Parties may benefit from an interdisciplinary team that can often settle faster and more comprehensively than working with a sole mediator.
I know that mediators should not give legal advice. How can parties make a meaningful agreement if they don’t know the law?
You are correct that a neutral mediator should not give legal advice – that is, tell the client what to do or what decisions to make. However, mediators differ in the amount of legal information they provide the parties.
The Benefits of Divorce by Mediation
A mediated divorce is an intelligent and drama-free way of reaching a final resolution in your marriage. In fact, most courts across the country encourage mediation. A mediated divorce is a practical and healthy choice for divorcing couples.
It helps avoid the stress of litigation, saves money, and is thorough and quick yet offers all the professional help you may need to safeguard your rights and protect your children.
Less Expensive
A mediated divorce is less expensive because it’s faster and more direct. Most couples come to mediation willing to work on the issues and to learn how to communicate better.
That means a less expensive divorce because reaching an agreement is always cheaper than fighting it out at trial.
Mediation sessions led by a seasoned family law attorney typically reduce the overall divorce mediation cost compared to traditional divorce litigation. This collaborative divorce approach not only minimizes financial strain but also fosters a more amicable resolution.
Less Lawyer Time Means Less Money Spent
In mediation, your lawyer is focused on your case and has one purpose: mediating it. The cost of your attorney’s billable time is only a small fraction compared to litigating the case through trial.
Your lawyer does not spend hours in court waiting for the judge to hear your case or at their office, billing for numerous phone calls and drafting motions in preparation for trial. Their fees are always lower in a mediated divorce than in a litigated divorce that ends in trial.
Scheduling When You Mediate Is Controlled by The Parties
Parties won’t have to wait a year or more for a court trial. Mediations usually take a month or two, depending on the mediator’s schedule. Sometimes much less.
Parties Can Work Out the Details Without Court Pressure
The entire process can be over in hours in simple matters or a few weeks for more complicated issues if the parties are willing to focus on their mediation and do the necessary work. This quick resolution allows people to move on with their lives relatively quickly.
Divorce Mediation Lets the Parties Control the Process, Pace, and Outcome
Parties can choose to make initial interim agreements in mediation and then put the matter on hold for months until they are ready to start discussions for a final settlement.
Parties Stay in Control of The Process
A significant advantage of divorce mediation is that the parties can control the order of the process. For example, they can do so if they wish to wait a few weeks or months following the separation.
They can also do so if they want to use mediation while still in the same home to plan their separation long before any court involvement has commenced.
Parties Can Move at Their Own Pace
Often, couples should have a temporary respite following the separation, holding off on mediation until both are emotionally ready to begin. The parties can (and should) use the mediation process to obtain necessary information and expert input to make informed decisions.
Parties Retain Control Over the Outcome
Divorce mediation is a way to accomplish your divorce that allows the couple to retain complete control of the outcome, both custody and care of any children, and the property settlement issues.
A mediated divorce is accomplished with your attorney, and if other professionals are needed, the mediator will suggest them. The mediator and the party’s lawyers are there to help, offer information and suggestions, and use specialized training to assist the two of you in writing up an agreement that is fair to both of you and in the best interests of any children.
Mediation Divorce Lawyers
If you have any additional questions or concerns, contact a divorce lawyer with substantial experience in the divorce mediation process.
Related Articles and Helpful Services…
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[post_content] => Divorce can be a contentious and adversarial process. A spouse may start concealing financial information and assets if the spouse anticipates a divorce.
Private Investigators Retained In Divorce Matters
Private investigators are retained in divorce cases for several reasons, including:
Discovering Evidence of Adultery or Misconduct
Performing Asset Searches On Spouse
Locating Nondisclosed Income Sources In Child Support Cases
Conducting Surveillance On an Allegedly Abusive or Dangerous Parent in Child Custody Disputes
A Private Investigator is someone who has been retained to investigate, observe and report on a specific situation for a client. Many Private Investigators are retained by spouses who suspect infidelity. Evidence that a Private Investigator provides may be admissible in court if it has been obtained legally and qualifies as relevant and admissible evidence by a court of law.Private Investigators are not authorized to enforce the law. Still, they are frequently used by many different types of organizations. They must be licensed and registered with the state where they perform their services.
Unique Skills And Qualifications
Private Investigators have developed unique skills and have law enforcement credentials. Many experienced Private Investigators also work with criminal defense attorneys and the insurance industry, where they are asked to investigate suspicious accident and injury claims.
Cost To Retain A Private Investigator
The cost to retain a Private Investigator varies based on factors such as the kind of services you want to be performed and the time estimated to complete the assignment. Some investigators work on a flat fee, while others charge by the hour depending on the type of investigation required.The hourly rate usually depends on the reputation and quality of the Investigator. You can expect a wide range of rates ranging from $75 to $250 per hour or more, plus travel expenses and costs of data retrieval services.
Retaining A Private Investigator
Questions To Ask:
Are you properly licensed as a private investigator in this state?
Do you carry errors and omissions insurance?
Can you provide me with three references?
Do you have law enforcement training?
What are your particular areas of expertise?
May I have a copy of your PI license for my records?
[post_title] => Using Private Investigators in Divorce: Roles, Costs & Hiring Tips
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[post_content] => In the United States and elsewhere, loneliness is being viewed as a type of health epidemic.
People describe their lonely experience as “wandering through a void of nothingness,” “a constant physical emptiness in their chest,” or “a dull ache in their stomach.”
Loneliness is so commonly felt that it may be the only thing that people from all walks of life can relate to. How do we deal with it in healthy ways? Can we even thrive being alone?
Let’s dive into this article to answer those questions.
When does being alone mean being lonely?
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. The key factor that makes the difference is how we feel. Let’s see which scenario below applies to you:
When we are alone but happy, we are not lonely. This is when we enjoy our own company.
We can be lonely even when we are not alone. This is when we cannot connect with the people around us. Our relationships do not make us happy.
In short, we only feel lonely from the lack of connections, whether with others or ourselves.
Loneliness is a lack of healthy connections, not relationships
Scores of people claim to feel lonely even when they have friends and family. These "not-alone-alone types" struggle to resonate with those around them but are unable to fulfill their need for heartfelt connections.
Their relationships have often made them feel betrayed or abandoned, thus nailing a barrier that renders their interactions forced or toxic.
Yet, they find it hard to stay off these toxic relationships. The fear that stops them from moving on often asks: they are already lonely in a relationship. How much worse would it get when they had no one at all?
We all have different tolerance for other people’s company. The extroverts among us draw energy from this. On the other hand, introverts tend to recharge by being alone. Many of them seem to naturally have a higher tolerance for solitude, with some choosing to be alone to be uninhibited.
Then, we have the reluctant lone wolves. They have settled for being on their own, having given up the struggle of forming secure and genuine connections with others. They are either languishing in prolonged loneliness or have learned to enjoy their own company.
Therefore, when we ask, “How can we be happy alone?” we do not mean how to stop being alone. We seek ways to enjoy our company without desperately seeking others to stave off loneliness.
Here are some tips for building healthy connections with just a few special people, including yourself.
Stop doing these things
Things to stop doing so you don’t make yourself feel worse:
Stop comparing yourself to others
Walking on the street, you see people strolling in pairs or groups. They seem to enjoy each other’s company, smiling, talking, their bodies touching. You crave a relationship just like that, even though you have no idea what it is like for them.
They may crave your solitude and freedom, but you would never know.
They may feel betrayed, cheated, or hold little trust for the person next to them, but you would never know.
The main point is: do not compare your worst with someone’s best.
Stop doom-scrolling on social media
It is another abyss of comparing yourself with others.
Everyone has done it, and most are still doing it. You know as well as anyone that these posts are far from reality. Go back to the last time you posted on social media, and recall the following events that eventually led you to doom-scrolling in the first place.
Social media is like a drug addiction. Get off it while you still can.
[caption id="attachment_56250" align="alignnone" width="1748"] Difference Between Being Alone and Lonely?: An image of someone peacefully enjoying a solo activity, such as painting vs someone being lonely with social media.[/caption]
When you find yourself doom-scrolling again, use all your willpower to stop. Put down your phone. Do something else with your hands. Get active. Get a squeeze ball. Go for a drive in the car with the music playing.
The next time you go on social media, find a supportive community to connect with instead.
Stop waiting for someone to do things with you
Do you wait for a friend to eat together in a restaurant?
Do you stop buying movie tickets because you don’t go to the cinema alone?
Do you keep looking at that bar, thinking if only you had a person to enjoy a drink with?
Do the things you want to do without waiting for someone else to do them with. At first, it may not be as enjoyable, but it proves you can give yourself pleasant experiences without needing someone else. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.
Tips to be happy alone
To make the most of your solitude, explore these helpful tips designed to enhance your enjoyment of being alone. Each suggestion is crafted to help you build a satisfying and self-fulfilling lifestyle.
Okay, we have gone through what NOT to do.
Now, what do we DO?
Let’s repeat: loneliness is the lack of connections, not company. Genuine, heartfelt connections are still essential to being happy alone.
However, it takes time, effort, and some social skills to find your peeps—those with whom you can build fulfilling and enduring relationships. It requires personal growth and emotional intelligence for both you and others.
So, here are some tips to get started:
Forgive yourself for being alone
Many lonely people report that they feel there is something wrong with themselves. Since our culture celebrates pairing up and having a support system, it sends an implicit message to the lone wolves that being alone is abnormal or undesirable.
Humans are social creatures, but building social connections can be stressful and emotionally challenging for many of us. We feel wrong about being unable to connect to others, and our shame about loneliness pushes us further into isolation.
It can turn into a vicious cycle. To stop it, we may start by learning self-compassion and by forgiving ourselves for being alone. Whatever reason leads you to feel lonely, it is okay. The reason does not define you, nor does loneliness represent you. This is a temporary state that everyone goes through.
Loneliness should not be stigmatized as a failure because of one's emotional state. Let go of this social stigma and make peace with the present moment—of who you are, alone or otherwise.
The first thing to alleviate loneliness is to accept it as part of being human.
Get to know yourself
You know your favorite color, weekend playlist, comfort food, and go-to outfits.
But do you accept yourself so wholeheartedly that you don’t mind spending periods alone?
Admittedly, sometimes it can get boring. But how do we prolong the stretches of alone time so that we come out of it having gained an insight into ourselves rather than depleted?
[WellenssTip]Self-Knowledge Is Earned: It has been said by philosophers and spiritual leaders for centuries that the path to wisdom is through self-knowledge. Being a seeker of truth rather than following the crowd distinguishes a person's character. It is also a less-taken path, so it can be a lonely but deeply rewarding path[/WellenssTip]
Here are a few things you can do:
Express yourself
Your options are varied. You do not have to write if words are not your thing. You can journal, draw, play music, make something, or dance. Get a pet and go out and play catch the stick..
The point is to give your inner voice the space and time to speak up, knowing that it is safe because you will be there listening to it.
The point is NOT to do it for an audience. For now, you are doing this entirely for yourself.
You will gradually become much more familiar with the voice inside your head. Asking the soul-searching questions is an excellent opportunity to build a better relationship with it.
It's good to have emotional depth. Truth-seeking through contemplative meditation is a great source of peace and joy, as it allows one to have an emotional connection with life.
Ponder deep questions
Remember the 36 questions that can make you fall in love with anyone.
How about asking yourself those questions?
You may not have all the answers right now. That is okay. Even better, searching for the answers means having more things to do on your own.
Find something fun to do on your own
These are usually things you used to enjoy but stopped doing because you entered a different phase of your life. For example, maybe you used to play basketball with guys before you met your former spouse, but you stopped because they thought you were too old to be playing with your friends in the schoolyard. And while we are on this subject, you might want to read our article on how to emotionally heal from divorce.
Let’s rekindle the flow that once enriches your alone time. It could be something as simple as a walk through a neighborhood you used to enjoy or watching a comedy in a bar. You may want to opt for the activities that would put you among a small crowd to maximize your chance of connecting with someone naturally.
Get a pet
A pet may be a suitable companion if you have had a painful history with people. If your accommodation allows, consider adopting a dog, a cat, or any animal that would make you feel like you want to take care of it.
Learning to care for one would be a pleasant diversion from loneliness if you have never had a pet. There are plenty of good YouTube channels for pet lovers to get started.
Dogs and cats have been known to provide therapeutic comfort for their humans. Many people find the routine of living with a pet enjoyable and encouraging. They feel motivated to get up and care for their animals – things they would not do for themselves – such as running or cleaning up.
Our interactions with cats, dogs, and horses sometimes mirror our interactions with humans. You may feel better if you could tell a sad story to your dog, who listens to you attentively.
If a pet is out of the question, consider keeping plants. You do not have to have a green thumb—in fact, for most of us, simply learning to keep our plants alive would require hours of research and trials.
Connect with people having gone through similar experiences
This may work for you if you yearn to have someone with whom you can share experiences that have deeply impacted your life or who you are.
There is a reason why grief counseling and support groups work: they provide a space where you feel safe to share your pains without judgment from others. Your pains resonate with theirs, and together, the group develops ways to cope and recover from grief.
Grief is just one among the multitudes of experiences that make us humans. In addition to grief support groups, consider other groups of people who have gone through the experiences you want to share. They provide good listening ears and a supportive sounding board because they know first-hand what it was like.
Here are a few ideas to get you started:
– In-person meetups:
Browse the collection of online communities on the Hive or Unita.
Make sure to protect yourself from scams, online or in real life. Here is a good guide for safety tips.
Trying to find people who may want you could feel like a huge hassle. We carry such inertia when we have been drowning in loneliness. However, it is also ironic that we long for the connections with people we reflexively avoid. This irony exaggerates our loneliness.
If you push yourself out of your comfort zone, you will likely find a community of people already doing the same things.
So, would it be worth it? You can only know by trying it out.
Reconnect with an old friend
Admittedly, some old friends will probably ignore you because they have moved on with their lives or you did not part on the best terms.
But if you have even one person whom you wish you could have spent more time with, it's safe to reach out.
Do you still remember their faces? Social media has made it possible to keep in touch with old friends without interacting with them. Seeing their lives through a filtered lens on social feeds differs from chatting with the person.
They may still hold fond memories of your time together. It may be good to rekindle such positive feelings, if only as a conversation starter. Some people find it heartwarming and flattering when an old friend reaches out to them – they may feel nostalgic.
Seeking support from family members or friends can foster a strong sense of belonging, even when you feel lonely. Whether it’s spending time outdoors to breathe fresh air, engaging in self-discovery through new activities, or simply practicing self-care through meditation, each step is crucial to building meaningful social interactions and enhancing your overall well-being.
Check your negativity bias
Chronically lonely people tend to expect socializing to go wrong. They are haunted by memories of disconnection, broken relationships, misunderstanding, and pain. These memories make them sensitive to signs of rejection, even going so far as to anticipate them. Ultimately, this self-fulfilling prophecy influences their actions, leading them to isolate themselves while blaming others for the isolation.
You could be swayed by a bias whenever you think something must be true despite no apparent evidence.
When you realize a possible negativity bias, it is worth pausing the blame for a while. Interaction is a two-way street. Other people have indeed made you feel isolated, but at the same time, see if you have set yourself up for disappointment in the first place.
Nurture the hope that some people will accept you for who you are, but you may have to undergo some changes before you meet them.
For example, your social skills have gotten rusty if you have been lonely for a long time. It could be high time to polish them, for instance, by striking up a conversation with someone waiting in the queue with you at a café. The conversation may go nowhere, but it is a small drill to temper the fear of socialization.
Taking time to practice mindfulness can greatly enhance your mental health and overall well-being, helping you become your own best friend on this personal journey toward greater self-esteem.
Engage in regular self-reflection to better understand your mental health needs, and remember, spending time alone is an opportunity to nurture a relationship with yourself, strengthening your resilience against low self-esteem.
Myths about Being Happy Alone
Myth #1: Extroverts can’t be happy alone.Reality: While extroverts love social interaction, they can also find peace and growth in solitude by connecting with themselves.
Myth #2: Being happy alone means rejecting relationships.Reality: You can still have meaningful relationships and connections while prioritizing your happiness during alone time
Some people have been lonely for years. They have various reasons – having suffered a life-changing and disabling injury, financial hardship, divorce, etc. Despite many efforts, they intimately know what loneliness feels like but cannot escape it.
This does not have to be you.
We all deserve to live a good life, a life true to ourselves. One crucial part of that life is our meaningful connections, whether with our original families or our chosen loved ones.
Chronic loneliness can be crippling, but try your best to take the leap of faith anyway. Seek empowerment through healthy connections with your people who deserve your best effort.
If you're facing legal trouble such as divorce, learn how to quiet the mind and heal the spirit through the natural therapies and benefits found in the practice of Yoga.
Yoga Can Help With The Emotional And Spiritual Impact Of Divorce
There is an emotional and spiritual impact on getting a divorce. Some people believe it's a time to toughen up and remove your heart from the process.
It's hard to disagree, given the legal system seems to encourage an adversarial approach between the parties, especially when it comes to resolving issues such as child custody, division of property, and spousal support.
Solutions found in yoga
Learning how to reduce stress and anxiety when facing life-changing trouble will help. For many people, the practice of Yoga has been invaluable to their mental and emotional wellbeing.
Yoga can help you remove yourself from the cycle of fear and sadness.
[TroubleTip]Another way of bringing down the stress and anxiety for both parties is to consider resolving the legal issues through mediation. A mediated divorce is a valuable and friendly alternative to litigating your case in court.[/TroubleTip]
Yoga Brings Back Balance and Wellbeing
The idea of Yoga as a way to heal from the pain and disappointment of divorce may seem a little strange at first glance.
With media and fitness magazines depicting beautiful and happy people in trance-like states, you would think Yoga is for people without troubles and challenges. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Yoga, like meditation, has been used to heal, strengthen and focus both the body and mind for hundreds of years.
Yoga promotes emotional wellbeing and provides a valuable opportunity to restore and reclaim your personal power in times when you feel challenged by difficult circumstances
Grief and Loss Have Their Roots in Love
Perhaps the first thing to realize is that grief has its roots in love. So does Yoga. Yoga does not speak of love with sole reference to the love between a man and a woman but talks of a universal love towards our own humanity.
Yoga can help us recognize the importance of love and acceptance in our lives, especially when love is lost, and its absence requires our emotional and spiritual acceptance. These matters impact every aspect of our lives and are experienced by our body, mind, and spirit. These are the core centers that Yoga heals and empowers,
In the confusion of divorce, we can forget that each part of us must heal, and to deny one part of us is to prevent us from reaching a complete balance.
There Are Many Different Types of Yoga Practices
Below you will find brief descriptions of the most popular forms of Yoga and the many centers that provide them:
Ananda Yoga
Ananda Yoga works by developing gentle postures aimed at moving energy up to the brain and body. Ananda Yoga is a relatively new form of Yoga and combines body alignment with spirit.
The goal is to open your heart and connect with divine energy.
Ashtanga Yoga
Ashtanga Yoga is physically demanding and involves deep synchronized breathing with a progressive and continuous series of postures designed to produce intense levels of heat and sweat.
A primary goal is to cleanse and detoxify the muscles, organs, body, and spirit.
Bikram Yoga
Bikram Yoga aims to provide the yoga student with a comprehensive workout that includes muscular strength, endurance, and cardiovascular exercise.
Hatha Yoga
Hatha Yoga is a simple and essential form of Yoga and is the desired choice for the beginner. It is said that Hatha Yoga is the foundation of many other types of yoga disciplines.
It combines postures, regulated breathing, meditation, and spirit into a comprehensive system that can help one reach higher states of self-realization.
Integral Yoga
Integral Yoga is considered a synthesis of other types of yoga disciplines. It combines postures, breathing exercises, meditation, prayer, and the development of a profound reverence of service to others.
ISHTA Yoga
ISHTA Yoga focuses on opening and clearing internal energy channels (chakras) throughout the body through physical posturing, creative visualization and relaxation, and deep meditation.
Kali Ray Yoga
Kali Ray Yoga focuses on creative flow and dance-like movements and postures. Kali Yoga is said to incorporate other types of Yoga into form and includes posture, breathing exercises, and meditation.
Like Kundalini Yoga, Kali Ray focuses on the participant's elevation of consciousness and spiritual awareness. It is considered introspective and invites participants to explore and release hidden and blocked emotional and spiritual energy.
Kundalini Yoga
Kundalini Yoga practice concentrates on awakening our core and vital energy, which is said to nestle at the base of the spine.
When the Kundalini is activated, it climbs upward through the spine and out through crown chakra resulting in a profound spiritual experience that usually leads to an exceptionally awakened state.
Svaroopa Yoga
Svaroopa Yoga is a mild form of Yoga designed for beginners facing emotional trauma. It often starts with chair poses and comfortable cushions to rest on while you work out. It's a goal that can help us heal from life's emotional challenges.
Consider Taking An Online Master Class On Yoga
Donna Farhi is one of the most sought-after yoga instructors in the world. Now the "teacher of teachers" is sharing her approach to creating a safe, sustainable yoga practice with students of all levels.
Whether you're looking to realign with the heart of traditional Yoga or are just getting started, learn postures, foundations, and philosophies to guide you on your journey.
Also, consider dance therapy for improving your physical and emotional wellbeing.
Dance and movement therapy integrates the physical experience of dance with the thinking experience of the mind. The integration opens in us an energetic feedback loop in which information can flow in both directions, between body and mind, and forms a common language.
Dance and movement therapy can help us close the gap between being, thinking, and doing. Turning all three into a single fully integrated expression. Put another way, the energetic and creative force within us which manifests as dance connects both mind and body.
Dance therapy defined
The American Dance Therapy Association (ADTA) was founded in 1966 and defined dance and movement therapy as "the psychotherapeutic use of movement to promote emotional, social, cognitive, and physical integration of the individual, to improve health and wellbeing."
Dance Integrates Body and Mind
From an evolutionary perspective, it is fair to say that most of us have a dysfunctional relationship between what our mind wants, as expressed through our thoughts, and what our body does to physically manifest those thoughts.
Between the mind-body exists the potential, indeed the need, to communicate to unify the mind's intentions with the body's actions. The idea of one part of us embodying the other part of us in a psycho-spiritual singularity is not unlike the practice of yoga.
What dance movement brings to the therapeutic table is a very special ingredient. The vibrational quality and resonance of music. It's common knowledge that music and dance can induce a trance-like state affecting both mind and body.
Music changes our inner experience through resonance
Music changes our inner experience, especially when combined with the physicality of dance. It has been shown that music possesses a transforming power that can elevate mental and physical states and soften our emotions
A recent study published in Science Direct suggested that dance and movement therapists mostly selected music based on their assessment of their client's psychodynamic needs and frequently used genres that were composed of music that was informed by the client's age and cultural background.
The dance and music therapists believed it was important to consider the rhythm, tempo, and dynamics.
In addition, the process of attunement (joining vibrational frequencies) was discussed in the context of being able to form a positive feedback loop, sometimes resulting in a strong and resilient bond between the therapist and the client.
It was found that music can produce a resonance that establishes not only trust in the therapist but can also result in gratitude and wellbeing.
While music and dance are deeply connected art forms and music is frequently utilized in the practice of dance/movement therapy, little is known about how therapists apply it in their work and what their experiences are with music.
Resonance attunement in the music selection process
Other areas discussing the mind-body connection can be found in the following dentistry attunement article in which music is used to calm the patient. The article discusses the importance of selecting the right type of music and resonance qualities before the commencement of the actual physical work on the dental patient.
Paying attention to what our mind-body requires
Among many options of therapy that help maintain overall wellbeing and heal mental health issues, dance and movement therapy could be what your mind and body are seeking.
We wake up each day with plans lined up and choices to make almost constantly. How many of us pause to smell the morning air or feel our joints and muscles as they wake up with us?
When our bodies call out for help
Have you ever noticed the way your shoulders naturally rise in stressful situations or noticed how your spine curls slightly downward when you get nervous?
Have you paid attention to how different spaces and crowds of people affect the way you carry your body? Have you paid attention to how your body takes up space in environments that feel like home?
The Mind-Body Conversation
Your feelings are experiences. Experience is the information your body interprets, sometimes even sooner than your mind can process. The space between mind and body comes together when movement becomes dance, and dance becomes therapy.
The thoughts that move through our minds move through our bodies. When the mind suffers, so does the body. It is as if mind and body are mutually engaged in a single conversation. A story that one is telling the other - a story that can be expressed and understood through dance.
Movement is expressive and informing
Movement allows people to communicate, express, and serve functional purposes like traveling, eating, reaching, grabbing, etc. It has been an innate human behavior since birth.
Children use movements to signal adults of what they want, what they need, and how they feel. Movement is communication and as such is a vital part of our wellbeing.
As we grow, the information load increases, and our attention is directed toward the thoughts we have or the emotions we feel, but often, it is forgotten that both our thoughts and emotions are stored in our bodies as well.
The fast-paced lives in which we live cause us to crave peace and balance. So many details of our day slip away without paying much attention to them. Our brain blocks out some memories, stores others, and can even reconstruct them depending on our emotional states.
Stress and negative emotions
When faced with the stress and anxiety of going through one troubling event after another, the capacity of our mind alone to process the entire load can harm our health and prevent us from restoring our wellbeing.
It is natural for our brain to repress negative memories to protect ourselves. In doing so, painful memories travel through our bodies, and our muscles retain them in an unprocessed state.
The integration of emotional, social, cognitive, and physical health is the ground premise of specific movement practices, including dance therapy.
Dance and movement therapy are among multiple wellness practices that help support and nurture our ability to balance ourselves in an increasingly busy and challenging world.
The History of Dance and Movement Therapy
Dance and movement therapy was developed around the 1940s and 1950s by exploring dance and improvisation beyond just its movements. Dance was seen for its potential to possess positive psychological and emotional benefits.
Other disciplines, such as cultural anthropology, psychodynamics, and neuromotor sciences, added to our understanding of dance and movement therapy.
The psychological healing therapy of dance
So many of our external expressions are reflections of our internal experiences. Our body learns behaviors from thoughts and emotions. These thoughts and feelings get translated into our physical postures, gestures, and body usage.
It is now recognized that dance and movement can "unlock" suppressed experiences and that healing and positive changes could happen during this physical-psychological process.
Dance and movement therapy are not dance lessons
Many pioneers of the field were accomplished dancers who began to realize that certain types of physical movement had significant therapeutic value.
Registered therapists can only teach dance therapy sessions.
Dance therapy sessions intend to create a safe space where people feel comfortable and empowered to move freely in their bodies.
In different cases, therapists would alternate and specialize class content to serve the participants' needs.
Benefits of Dance and Movement Therapy
Dance and movement therapists offer regular classes as a way to maintain an individual's wellbeing and provide specialized sessions to different populations as well.
Some therapists specialize and are experienced in working with military veterans, adolescents with eating disorders, children with autism spectrum disorder, seniors, older adults with mild dementia, or people with anxiety and depression.
Registered professionals teach dance and movement therapy
Dance and movement therapists have to go through educational pursuits in either approved graduate programs by the American Dance Therapy Association (ADTA) or a Master's program with focused training from qualified teachers in dance and movement therapy.
Requirements for this route also include dance experience, movement observation and assessment, psychology courses, internship, and fieldwork.
The dance and movement therapist's credential is called Registered Dance/Movement Therapist. In the United States, the expected duration of the graduate program, if done full-time, is two to three years.
The Healing Therapies of Movement
Watch Ekin Bernay Performance Artist and Psychotherapist Demonstrate Therapeutic Dance Movement:
https://youtu.be/VRNS8XTADEU?si=CtI-6lJ7_MSXc_d_
The National Centre for Dance Therapy is based in Canada. Its website provides insightful content, including research, presentations, video recordings of training, blog articles, and access to registered therapists.
Closing Thoughts
Any type of healing therapy or treatment holds different elements that make it more or less the right choice for you and your needs at the time. There are no better or worse treatments, but rather more or less suitable ones.
Your body is your home
Experiencing a life crisis could make everything internally and externally feel off-balanced. You feel and experience pain and discomfort within your own body. You also deserve to feel at home, to feel safe, to feel that you belong, and to feel free in your body.
The body speaks to us more than we are willing to acknowledge. Not only does our body constantly work to keep us alive, but it also archives our memories and emotional history.
Dance and Movement Therapy evolved to empower your bodily self-expression and self-connection. Especially during difficult times, your mind, body, and heart must align and stay engaged and in communication.
Achieving this balance allows you to think clearer, manage your emotions easier, and build a stronger, more vital life.
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