Loneliness has been declared an epidemic.
Pandemic lockdowns have made it worse, with people describing their lonely experience as “wandering through a void of nothingness,” “a constant physical emptiness in their chest,” or “a dull ache in their stomach.”
Loneliness is so commonly felt that it may be the only thing that people from all walks of life could relate to. How do we deal with it in healthy ways? Can we even thrive being alone?
Let’s dive into this article to answer those questions.
When does being alone tip into being lonely?
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. The key factor that makes the difference is how we feel. Let’s see which scenario below applies to you:
- When we are alone but happy, we are not lonely. This is when we enjoy our own company.
- We can be lonely even when we are not alone. This is when we cannot connect with the people around us. Our relationships do not make us happy.
In short, we only feel lonely from the lack of connections, whether with others or ourselves.
Loneliness is a lack of healthy connections, not relationships
There are scores of people who claim to feel lonely even when they have friends and family. These not-alone lonely people struggle to resonate with those around them, unable to fulfill the need for heartfelt connections. The relationships have often made them feel betrayed or abandoned, thus nailing a barrier that renders their interactions forced or toxic.
Yet, they find it hard to stay off these toxic relationships. The fear that stops them from moving on often asks: they are already lonely in a relationship. How much worse would it get when they had no one at all?
We all have different tolerance for other people’s company. The extroverts among us draw energy from it. They would more likely suffer from a day without human interaction.
On the other hand, the introverts recharge by being on their own. They would naturally have a higher tolerance for solitude, with some choosing to be alone to be uninhibited.
Then, we have the reluctant lone wolves. They have settled for being on their own, having given up the struggle of forming secure and genuine connections with others. They are languishing in prolonged loneliness or have learned to enjoy their own company.
Therefore, when we ask, “How to be happy alone?” we do not mean how to stop being alone. We seek ways to enjoy our company without desperately seeking others to stave off loneliness.
Here are some tips for building healthy connections with just a few special people, including yourself.
Stop doing these things
Things to stop doing so you don’t make yourself feel worse.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Walking on the street, you see people strolling in pairs or groups. They seem to enjoy each other’s company, smiling, talking, their bodies touching. You crave a relationship just like that, even though you have no idea what it is like for them.
They may crave your solitude and freedom, but you would never know.
They may feel betrayed, cheated, or hold little trust for the person next to them, but you would never know.
The main point is: do not compare your worst with someone’s obvious highlights.
Stop doom-scrolling on social media
It is another abyss of comparing yourself with others.
Everyone has done it. You know as well as anyone that these posts are far from reality. Go back to the last time you posted on social media, and recall the following events that eventually led you to doom-scrolling in the first place.
Social media is like a drug. Get off it while you still can.
When you find yourself doom-scrolling again, use all your willpower to stop. Put down your phone. Do something else with your hands. Get active. Go for a drive in the car with the music playing.
The next time you go on social media, find a supportive community to connect with instead.
Stop waiting for someone to do things with you
Do you wait for a friend to eat in a restaurant together?
Do you stop buying a movie tickets because you don’t go to the cinema alone?
Do you keep looking at that bar, thinking if only you had a person to enjoy a drink with?
Do the things you want to do without waiting for someone. It may not be as enjoyable, but it proves you can give yourself pleasant experiences without needing someone else.
Tips to be happy alone
Okay, we have gone through what NOT to do.
Now, what do we DO?
Let’s repeat: loneliness is the lack of connections, not company. Genuine, heartfelt connections are still essential to being happy alone.
However, it takes time, effort, and some social skills to find your people – those with whom you can build fulfilling and enduring relationships. It takes personal growth and compromise for both yourself and others.
So, here are some tips to get started.
Forgive yourself for being alone
Many lonely people report that they feel there is something wrong with themselves. Since our culture celebrates pairing up and having a support system, it sends an implicit message to the lone wolves that being alone is abnormal or undesirable.
Humans are social creatures, but social interactions can be challenging for many of us. We feel wrong about being unable to connect to others, and our shame about loneliness pushes us further into isolation.
It is a vicious cycle. To stop it, we may start by forgiving ourselves for being alone. For whatever reason that leads you to feel lonely, it is okay. The reason does not define you, nor does loneliness represent you. This is a temporary state.
Loneliness should not be stigmatized as a failure for such a shared emotional state. Let go of this social stigma and make peace with the present moment – of who you are, alone or otherwise.
The first thing to alleviate loneliness is normalizing it and accepting it as part of our lives.
Get to know yourself
You know your favorite color, weekend playlist, comfort food, and go-to outfits.
But do you accept yourself so wholeheartedly that you don’t mind spending periods alone?
Admittedly, it can get boring. But how do we prolong the stretches of alone time so that we come out of it having gained an insight into ourselves rather than depleted?
Here are a few things you can do.
Express yourself
Your options are varied. You do not have to write if words are not your thing. You can journal, draw, play music, make something, or dance.
The point is to give your inner voice the space and time to speak up, knowing that it is safe because you will be there listening to it.
The point is NOT to do it for an audience. For now, you are doing this entirely for yourself.
Gradually, you would become a lot more familiar with the voice inside your head. It is an excellent chance to build a better relationship with it by asking the soul-searching questions below.
Ponder deep questions
Remember the 36 questions that can make you fall in love with anyone?
How about asking yourself those questions?
You may not have all the answers right now. That is okay. Even better, searching for the answers means having more things to do on your own.
Find something fun to do on your own
It’s usually things you used to enjoy but stopped doing because someone else entered your life. Maybe you used to do boxing before you met your ex, but you stopped because they did not like the violence.
Let’s rekindle the flow that once enriches your alone time. It could be something as simple as a walk through a neighborhood you used to enjoy or watching a comedy in a bar. You may want to opt for the activities that would put you among a small crowd to maximize your chance of connecting with someone naturally.
Get a pet
A pet may be a suitable companion if you have had a painful history with people. If your accommodation allows, consider adopting a dog, a cat, or any animal that would make you feel like you want to take care of it.
Learning to care for one would be a pleasant diversion from loneliness if you have never had a pet. There are plenty of good YouTube channels for pet lovers to get started.
Dogs and cats have been known to provide therapeutic comfort for their humans. Many people find the routine of living with a pet enjoyable and encouraging. They feel motivated to get up and care for their animals – things they would not do for themselves – such as running or cleaning up.
Our interactions with cats, dogs, and horses sometimes mirror our interactions with humans. You may feel better if you could tell a sad story to your dog, who listens to you attentively.
If a pet is out of the question, consider keeping plants. You do not have to be a green thumb – simply learning to keep your plants alive would fill up hours of research and trials.
Connect with people having gone through similar experiences
This may work for you if you yearn to have someone to share experiences that have deeply impacted your life or who you are.
There is a reason why grief support groups work: they provide a space where you feel safe to share your pains without judgment from others. Your pains resonate with theirs, and together, the group develops ways to cope and recover from grief.
Grief is just one among the multitudes of experiences that make us humans. In addition to grief support groups, consider other groups of people who have gone through the experiences you want to share. They provide good listening ears and a supportive sounding board because they know first-hand what it was like.
Here are a few ideas to get you started:
– In-person meetups:
- Emotional or psychological support groups
- Walks & hikes
- Hobby clubs
– Online communities:
- Alternative social media, such as Mastodon
- Discord and Twitch groups for gamers
- Browse the collection of online communities on the Hive or Unita.
Make sure to protect yourself from scams, online or in real life. Here is a good guide from Slowly the app.
Having to go out there and find people who may want you could feel like a huge hassle. We carry such inertia when we have been drowning in loneliness. However, this is also ironic that we long for the connections with people we reflexively avoid. This irony exaggerates our loneliness.
If you push yourself out of your comfort zone, you will likely find a community of people already doing the same things.
So would it be worth it? You can only know by trying it out.
Reconnect with an old friend
Admittedly, some old friends will probably ignore you because they have moved on with their lives or you did not part on the best terms.
But if you have even one person whom you wish you could have spent more time with, reaching out is safe.
Do you still remember their faces? Social media has made it possible to keep in touch with old friends without actually interacting with them. Seeing their lives through a filtered lens on social feeds differs from chatting with the person.
They may still hold fond memories of your time together. It may be good to rekindle such positive feelings, if only as a conversation starter. Some people find it heartwarming and flattering when an old friend reaches out to them – they may feel nostalgic.
Check your negativity bias
Chronically lonely people tend to expect socializing to go wrong. They are haunted by memories of disconnection, broken relationships, misunderstanding, and pain. These memories make them sensitive to signs of rejection, even going so far as to anticipate them. Ultimately, this self-fulfilling prophecy influences the actions that lead them to isolate themselves while blaming others for the isolation.
You could be held sway by a bias whenever you think something must be true despite no apparent evidence.
When you realize a possible negativity bias, it is worth pausing the blame for a while. Interaction is a two-way street. Other people have indeed made you feel isolated, but at the same time, see if you have set yourself up for disappointment in the first place.
Nurture the hope that some people will accept you for who you are, but you may have to go through some changes before you meet them.
For example, your social skills have gotten rusty if you have been lonely for a long time. It could be high time to polish them, for instance, by striking up a conversation with someone waiting in the queue with you at a café. The conversation may go nowhere, but it is a small drill to temper the fear of socialization.
Ultimately, we all need meaningful connections
Some people have been lonely for years. They have various reasons – illnesses, broken relationships, changing life circumstances, etc. Despite many efforts, they intimately know what loneliness feels like but cannot escape it.
This does not have to be you.
We all deserve to live a good life, a life true to ourselves. One crucial part of that life is our meaningful connections, whether with our original families or our chosen loved ones.
Loneliness is indeed crippling but try your best to take the leap of faith anyway. The genuine, supportive, and healthy connections with your people deserve your best effort.
