In marriage, we go from our single identity personhood to a combined identity. On just one ceremonial day, vows get exchanged, and we are in union with another soul.
In living together, a close and enduring partnership can also notice a slow but steady merging of individual identities.
But things can and do change, and after time, even with the best efforts of the spouses, a marriage can sometimes falter and fail. Like marriage, divorce has the same power to transform one’s life dramatically.
Divorce often creates a shift in life circumstances that can appear almost surreal as children get raised between two separate households. Each is now a single parent with its own set of challenges.
The divorce process
In earlier times, filing for divorce did not mean you would be granted a divorce. You could petition for a divorce based on various grounds – adultery, cruelty, or desertion – but you had to prove the claim in court before the marriage could be dissolved.
Today, the process is much more straightforward; you need only to assert ‘irreconcilable differences‘ to legally justify divorce in most states. That’s the easy part. Now the spouses must resolve all outstanding issues regarding child custody, division of property, and spousal support.
Other legal forms of obtaining a divorce include divorce by annulment, divorce by legal separation, and divisible divorce.
Even in no-fault divorce jurisdictions, courts still tend to treat the parties as if they were in a contested divorce, with lawyers pinning one spouse against the other. Whatever the marriage was like, the cost of treating your husband or wife as an adversary has emotional consequences for the parties and especially the children.
Many parents do not appreciate how profound the emotional ties are between child and parent until the family unit ends. For the children, a divorce can seem like an “atom bomb” in their lives, and the emotional scars it causes are known to last well into the child’s adult years.
Difficulty in affording a divorce attorney
Divorce mediation is a cost-effective alternative
Some people cannot afford a divorce attorney to help with the divorce proceedings or do not want the stress of judges and lawyers turning spouses into adversaries. Generally, if there is a significant difference in the spouses’ income, the judge will order the spouse with the higher income to pay the other spouse’s divorce fees.
Or, if you have no current income but are likely to get substantial property when the case is over, a lawyer may take your case and make arrangements to be paid from the proceeds of the property you receive in the divorce.
Finances are one reason why trying to mediate your divorce can be so compelling. Litigating a divorce is very expensive – both sides may eventually see the advantages of negotiating it rather than litigating it.
Divorce mediation and the marital settlement agreement
The mediated divorce
It’s worth noting that there is an alternative to fighting it out in court without giving up your rights. It is called a mediated divorce, which is now available in almost all states and provides a neutral and non-combative forum to resolve the issues and complexities of the divorce process.
With a mediated divorce, you can reach a dissolution of your marriage without adding extra stress and minimizing the expenses. The parties sign the mediated divorce settlement agreement. It gets submitted to the court for approval. It is converted into a judicial order and will carry the same force and effect as a court-ordered decree.
When and if divorce mediation results in an agreement or settlement, known as a marital settlement agreement, the mediator has the legal power to make the agreement legally binding on both parties. In the case of family law divorce mediation, there are a few things you should carefully consider.
If both parties believe their respective lawyers can work together and settle the case quickly, amicably, and inexpensively, why hire a mediator?
Being an advocate often causes a lawyer to respond aggressively or initiate preemptive strikes that the other party finds threatening.
It is difficult for a lawyer to advocate for their client while also serving the role of a peacemaker. Under these circumstances, using a mediator might be like taking out an insurance policy to maintain an amicable situation among all parties and counsel. It also affords the parties the benefit of a trained, innovative problem-solver.
Finally, mediation can be a transformative experience that may improve the interaction and lives of former spouses moving forward.
Moving to separate homes – relocation and moving issues
Finding a new space
Finding a new place to live can feel overwhelming in heavily populated centers. Apartment hunting can be time-consuming and stressful after a breakup. That is where an online apartment locator can be helpful.
Nowadays, many services exist online to find rental units. Still, it can also be valuable to connect with a real estate agent who knows the area well. It’s essential to be honest about your situation and needs as you begin your search.
Let your friends and the people you work with know you’re looking. Someone may come up with a lead for you. The best apartments often change occupants without ever being advertised.
Relocating with children
Moving with children can be a big deal. Their excitement, reluctance, anxiety, and other moods will challenge your patience. If you can be proactive and calm, you’ll make a move easier for them and yourself.
When moving with children, try giving them as much notice as possible that they’ll be moving to give them time to think about it. Don’t expect them to be pleased by the news.
Home represents security, and moving is an unknown and destabilizing thing. Ask your children how they feel and talk freely about their concerns. Be realistic about the move. Don’t paint it as all fun, or give them unrealistic expectations about their new home, or tell them that they’ll make lots of friends right away.
You lead and the children will follow
The children will follow your lead. Make sure they feel as though they’re part of the move rather than just cargo.
Try not to dwell so much on memories of their old home that you impair their ability to adapt to the new one. Just as you allow them time to leave their old home, schools, and friends, give them additional time to adjust to their new environment.
Let them settle into their new home at their own pace.
Relocating with pets
Your home is also your pets’ home. They may find pet travel a very distressing occurrence. Talk to your veterinarian about ways to make a move as easy as possible for your pets.
Consider placing your animals in a pet hotel for a couple of days before you move while the packing is being done and again at your destination while you unpack.
Make sure you take your pets’ beds and toys with you and make them feel secure in the new environment. It’s a good idea to keep the cat indoors at your new home for at least a few weeks to acclimate to its new environment. Keep the dog on a leash or within a fenced yard when it’s outside.
Your pets may be uneasy while they’re settling into their new home. Be sensitive to their anxiety and be careful. Moving homes is not a good time for your toddler to bother them.
If you’re moving across state lines, you should know that most states regulate the entry of pets, ranging from parrots to pythons.
Finally, you might wish to contact a Veterinarian in the state to which you’re moving to learn about local regulations and necessary health certificates. Pets cannot be transported in moving trucks.
Payment of moving services
Whether you’re moving because you have been relocated, lost a job, or going through a divorce, you need to think about the move’s logistics.
One aspect is planning for payment for your moving services before you arrive at your destination. Ask moving companies in advance what form of payment will be acceptable.
Depending on the terms of the moving agreement, you may need to have a certified check, money order, or cash ready upon delivery. Payment by credit card may be accepted, but a personal check likely will not.
The payment terms should be clearly stated on the Order for Service and must be on the Bill of Lading. Read the moving company’s terms and conditions before agreeing to them.
The prospect of a conscious uncoupling
No matter the counseling method, seeking the services of a qualified MFT Counselor is a productive step toward emotional recovery.
If we see our partners helping us grow and evolve, we can avoid some of the nastiness of divorce and have what is called a ‘Conscious Uncoupling.’
The idea of using the word ‘uncoupling’ to describe divorce has been around for decades. But in the 70s, sociologist Diane Vaughan produced her “uncoupling theory.” In 2009, Katherine Woodward Thomas began using ‘conscious uncoupling’ more broadly to teach an alternative to the traditional divorce process.
As described through her work, a conscious uncoupling provides the ability to see each conflict in a relationship as a signal to look inside and identify an injured internal part of ourselves that needs healing.
As Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami suggest, “Because current events always trigger pain from a past event, it’s never the current situation that needs the real fixing. It’s just the echo of an older emotional injury and depression.
If we can remain conscious of this during our uncoupling, we will understand how we relate to ourselves internally as we go through an experience that’s the real issue, not what’s actually happening.”
How to behave during and after divorce
Some of us may find peace in the planning and logistics phase of a divorce. Still, we may experience discomfort regarding how to behave socially.
Ending a relationship can be fraught with anxiety and regret. In ending any serious relationship, you learn that understanding and respect for the other can leave you both feeling better – even if you honestly believe your partner somehow wronged you. This is the challenge, and it’s also the place for personal growth and breakthroughs. Here are a few suggestions:.
Say no to drama
Suppose you intend to leave the relationship without harming each other and without regret. In that case, you will need to consciously turn away from harmful “drama” and toward patience and understanding.
This is not the time to expose deep frustration or bring up painful memories. Breaking up is unfortunate enough; drama only makes a bad situation worse.
Even if you feel your partner is to blame for the failed relationship, don’t make breaking up about how the other person ruined it.
Divorce does not need to be punitive; no one needs to be judged nor rendered guilty by the other. It takes two to fall in love, and it usually takes two to fall out of love.
Be in communication
Remember this age-old axiom? Do unto your partner as you would like your partner to do unto you. Negative karma is a natural consequence of vindictive behavior.
If this was a serious and loving relationship, intentionally not returning your partner’s phone calls (or text messages or emails) ruins your opportunity to bring closure and transformation to an already difficult situation.
While it is not easy, being in communication can head off many potential conflicts before they begin.
Don’t cause confusion
When you end the relationship, it is usually helpful for you and your partner to acknowledge that the marital relationship has actually and officially ended.
Hope can keep the connection alive without some expressed form of shared acknowledgment of this fact. Remember, the goal here is to gain as much emotional closure as possible and to begin to move your life forward again.
It is not unusual for one of the spouses to seek help with their emotions by speaking with a qualified counselor.
This may be a good time to begin setting boundaries with your former spouse on issues such as invites to family events and upcoming occasions of shared friends.
Post-divorce counseling
Creating a new life
In the end, there is no other way to cut it – divorce is about change and renewal. So here, you have two choices: dig in and refuse the change or actively participate in creating your new life. This is where an experienced counselor can be of great value to you.
Many people moving through a divorce are best served by working with the moments of pain, beauty, and insight gleaned from their relationship in a therapeutic setting. Please consider seeking a therapist to support you in your divorce process and the opening of a new chapter in your life.
A good therapist can assist you in taking steps toward the kind of life you want to live. You are building a new life with a chance to create new patterns of behavior and new levels of understanding. If you can lean into this process, it can also open your heart in ways that might surprise you.
