Coping With Emotional Stress During A Funeral

Planning a funeral for someone you love is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever have to do. You are dealing with a huge loss and making big decisions – often on a tight deadline and with little to no guidance.

In times like these, you feel stressed, anxious, fatigued, and unsure of where to start. These feelings are often the beginning signs of the grief process.

Dealing with the loss of someone you love is more than just arranging the funeral; it’s also about coping with the emotional goodbye.

This article offers compassionate guidance in times of emotional, legal, and financial trouble, as well as the practical aspects of funeral planning.

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This article will also focus on your personal and emotional needs as you move through the grief process, which includes self-compassion and self-care.

It’s best to make the time for self-reflection and not feel pressured into making quick decisions. Take small but mindful steps as you move through the funeral planning process.

Here are the steps of self-care while being sensitive to the emotional needs of close friends and the grief felt by family members as they deal with what the loss means to them.

Step 1: Allow Yourself to Feel

Many people feel they need to “keep it together” for others when planning a funeral. But grief is part of this process, and denying your feelings can add to your stress and even your health.

Give yourself permission to grieve openly. It’s okay to cry, to feel lost, or to take breaks when you need them. Remember, there’s no “right” way to feel or act during this time.

Consider:

• Take a few quiet moments each day to acknowledge your feelings.
• Talking to a close friend or family member who can listen.
• Even small moments of recognition and encouragement can help you get on with the tasks ahead.

Wellness Tip

Don’t Suppress or Deny Your Grief. Denying your feelings of loss can lead to a condition known as Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). It’s totally normal to feel all sorts of emotions after losing someone you love. But if those feelings persist and are interfering with your daily life six months or more after the loss, you should consider consulting with a mental health professional.

Statistic: Studies estimate that 9.8% of bereaved individuals develop PGD, characterized by intense and persistent grief that interferes with daily functioning. The prevalence is higher when the death is due to unnatural causes, such as a fatal traffic accident or suicide.

Step 2: Take a Break and Accept Help

Funeral planning can bring out the helpers in your life—family members, friends, and even neighbors within your community will offer to help. These are gestures of genuine care for your well-being. Don’t think you need to appear strong and independent. Most people know that losing someone you love is confusing and destabilizing.

Accept the kindness of others with gratitude and try to accept help where you can. Tasks like making phone calls, arranging transport, or organizing the post-service gathering can be delegated to others,

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider:

• Ask a close friend or family member to keep track of your planning checklist.
• Accepting offers to do specific tasks, even just bringing over a meal or running an errand for you.
• Helping you find a reputable funeral director or locating the availability of a grief counselor for you and others can be of significant help to you.

Step 3: Honor Your Loved One in a Way That Feels Right to You

Funeral planning is a highly personal process, and there’s no manual on how to honor a loved one when they pass. Some people find peace in a traditional service, and others in a celebration of life that reflects their loved one’s personality and interests.

Trust yourself to create a service that feels right.

Ways to Personalize the Service:

• A Memory Table: Display photos, letters, or their favorite items that represent their life.
• Ask Guests to Share: Allow friends and family to speak or share stories to create a sense of connection and healing.
• Music or Readings They Loved: Choose songs, poems, or passages that were meaningful to their life.

Even small personal touches can make the service feel more comforting and honest.

Step 4: Self-Care and Support

To most, grieving while also having to plan a funeral is emotionally destabilizing and physically challenging. It comes when your mind and body need solitude, so if you’re the one planning the funeral, make sure to take the time to process the loss and begin to heal.

In these times, self-care is essential, but it’s often the first thing that gets pushed aside. Remember, caring for yourself doesn’t mean putting yourself above your loved one; it’s an essential part of coping and healing.

Simple Self-Care Practices During Funeral Planning:

• Set Boundaries: Don’t be afraid to take breaks or step away from conversations if they’re too much. This is a time to exercise your emotional intelligence with family members and other people you have close relations.
• Stay Hydrated and Eat Small Meals: Grief can make eating hard, but keeping your strength up will get you through the days ahead.
• Move Gently: A short walk in nature or some gentle stretches can help relieve some of the physical tension grief brings.
• Talk to a Therapist: Many people find comfort in talking to a counselor or therapist. They can give you tools to cope and process complex emotions, help you find balance, and improve your mental health.
• Exercise and Nature Walks: Physical activity, even light walking, can help release tension and improve mood
• Meditation and Mindfulness: Practices like yoga and meditation can help you manage stress, anxiety, and even depression.

Step 5: Use Community Resources and Support Groups

Grief can feel lonely, but communities and resources are available to help you feel less alone. Local support groups, religious organizations, or online forums for grief and loss can be beneficial during these times.

Many people find sharing with others who understand their pain a much-needed comfort.

Where to Find Support:

• Hospices: Many hospices offer free bereavement support groups for family members of the deceased.
• Local Religious or Spiritual Centers: Some places of worship provide grief counseling through the community or affiliated professionals.
• Online Grief Forums: Sites like Grief Share have online spaces to share and heal.

Statistic: Perceived Social and Emotional Support: During July–December 2020, more than three-quarters (77.5%) of U.S. adults reported receiving the social and emotional support they needed. This support varies across different demographics.

Step 6: The Legal and Financial Pieces To Funeral Planning

Funeral planning can feel surreal, as you suddenly have to learn strange funeral terms while a funeral director explains your options and presents their services and costs.

Unfortunately, funeral costs can be high, with the average price ranging from $7,000 to $12,000. There are also legal and financial complications that can add to your grief, such as life insurance policies, estate matters, and burial costs.

Legal Concerns

• Find Important Documents: The decision-making process could be significantly simplified if the deceased had a will or an end-of-life storage plan.
• Inform Financial Institutions: Contact the deceased’s bank and insurance companies to start the paperwork. Much of this could have been pre-arranged with end-of-life planning.
• Check for Veteran’s Benefits: If your loved one was in the military, they may be eligible for a veteran funeral, such as being buried at sea. Also, you may qualify for a veteran’s death benefit through the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA). This can help with funeral costs and a dignified goodbye.

Financial Concerns:

• Know Your Budget: Be clear on your financial limits. Many funeral homes offer a range of packages, so ask about all your options – and know your financial rights when purchasing funeral services and products.
• Get an Itemized Price List: Funeral homes must give you a General Price List (GPL), which outlines all costs so you can make informed decisions without added stress.
• Look for Nonprofit Help: Some community nonprofits and religious organizations offer help with funeral costs. Check what’s available locally, as some programs provide financial assistance for those in need.

Statistic: Funeral Costs and Financial Stress: The average death cost, including funeral expenses and professional services, is $12,702. Families paid an average of $7,267 for a funeral, with additional costs for services like legal and financial advice. These expenses can add financial stress to the emotional burden of grief.

Letting Go And Moving Forward

Funeral planning while grieving is one of life’s most challenging times. But remember, you don’t have to do it alone. There are people who want to help you—friends, family, and communities of support. Lean on them and remember that you may be called upon to do the same for a friend or relative.

Allow yourself to grieve. The journey of coping with loss is personal, and there’s no one “right” way to do it. In time, with self-care, self-compassion, and support from others, you’ll find yourself letting go of the painful memories and bringing forth the loving and joyful ones.

Common Misconceptions About Funeral Planning While Grieving:

Misconception 1: I feel like I need to make all the decisions immediately.

Reality: You don’t have to plan everything at once. While some decisions, like scheduling the funeral service, may need to be made quickly, many other details can wait. Take your time to process your emotions and seek support.

Misconception 2: The family put me in charge of funeral planning, but I’m not sure I can handle all this alone.

Reality: You don’t have to shoulder the burden alone. Ask trusted family members, friends, or even professional funeral planners for assistance. Collaboration can ease the emotional stress and anxiety of funeral planning.

Misconception 3: Everyone thinks my father’s funeral should be large and expensive as a way of showing our love for him.

Reality: A meaningful funeral doesn’t have to be extravagant. What matters most is creating a service that reflects the personality and values of your loved one. Simple, intimate gatherings can be just as impactful.

Misconception 4: It doesn’t seem right to ask too many questions or try to negotiate with the funeral home.

Reality: It’s acceptable to ask questions, compare options, and negotiate costs with funeral providers. You will likely find that many funeral providers understand what you’re going through and will work with you to create a budget-friendly funeral.

Misconception 5: Some family members insist on having a traditional funeral for our father – but our father was anything but traditional…

Reality: Funeral services can be personalized. While traditions can be comforting, you are not obligated to follow them strictly. Create a service that feels authentic to your loved one’s memory and your family’s needs.

Misconception 6: I hope to get relief and closure from our loss once we put our loved one to rest.

Reality: Grief is a process that continues long after the funeral. The service is just one step in honoring your loved one. The healing process begins after. Be patient with yourself and seek professional support as needed.

Testimonials – Funeral Planning

Testimonial – Mom wanted a big Catholic Funeral…

Mom and Dad had their wishes known ahead of time. Mom buried Dad, and I had to bury Mom.

This is one of those things you try and avoid- you don’t want to do it; you try to avoid it, and you do it anyway.

Mom wanted a big Catholic Church funeral with all of her friends attending. She was 86, and all her friends had died off. We kids said no. Simple service, no mass, cremation, and be done with it (we had gone to far too many funerals in our lives).

I think Mom would have been pissed that her sermon was given by a South African priest – we couldn’t even understand a word he said with his accent over a loudspeaker system for just 10 people in the church at the time.

I had a harder time getting ‘Permission’ from the cemetery to bury her, as she died out of state. The cemetery wanted a letter to prove she was a ‘Good Roman Catholic in good standing’ to be buried there – which her local church thought was funny and initially refused to do. Which I thought was just stupid as she had her husband, who had no religion, already buried there. (Reddit)

Testimonial – Funerals are profit-making businesses…

Funerals are a profit-making business. Cremation is the cheapest way. When you’re dead, you’re dead. It makes no sense to make a large, expensive production out of the event.

My father wanted his ashes put in his favorite fishing cove where he put his father’s ashes.

We rented a couple of party boats and cruised up the lake. We played some nice music, dumped his ashes in the lake, went to the beach and ate sandwiches, drank beer, and talked about things we did with him. It was a great time and that’s the way he wanted it. (Reddit)

Finding Different Types of Grief Support

Loss of a Parent:

National Alliance for Children’s Grief: This organization provides resources and emotional support for children, teens, and adults who are grieving the loss of a parent. The alliance partners with organizations nationwide to ensure access to grief support services.

Loss of a child:

The Compassionate Friends: This organization offers emotional support for families who have lost a child.

Loss of a spouse:

Widow-Net: This organization serves widows and widowers by offering emotional support and coping strategies.

Loss from suicide:

The Alliance of Hope: This organization provides emotional support for people grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide.

Hotlines For Those Suffering From Grief

• National Bereavement Helpline: Call 1-800-445-4808 for grief support and resources.
• Crisis Text Line: Call HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor if grief overwhelms you.
• Suicide Prevention Lifeline: If your grief leads to feelings of hopelessness, call 988 (U.S.) or your country’s equivalent helpline.

Bottom Line

• By addressing common misconceptions, you can approach funeral planning with a clearer perspective and better manage the grief that naturally comes with losing a loved one.
• The grieving process is deeply personal, and finding the right combination of support resources can take time.
• Be patient with yourself, practice self-care and self-compassion, and know that many people and services are ready to help.

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