A Loved One In Prison

This article covers what you need to know if a loved one is arrested and sentenced to prison. It will also help you understand and navigate the prison process as well as inform you on:

• How to locate and communicate with the prisoner once arrested.
• How to find constructive ways to express your support and love.
• Knowing the difference between jails and prisons.
• How to find the best ways to communicate with your loved one.
• Learn why self-care is so vital to remaining emotionally healthy in the process.
• Learn how to support your loved one when they are finally released.

The Emotional Challenge For Those Left Behind

Having a spouse, family member, or close friend in prison can be emotionally overwhelming. You must determine who to trust and where to turn for answers and help.

Incarceration is a frightening and challenging experience for both the person inside the prison and their loved ones on the outside. The mere thought of someone you care deeply about being trapped behind bars, without contact or emotional support, is heart-wrenching.

It is expected for family and close friends to feel anxious, stressed, and depressed when they realize they can no longer protect or care for the one they love. It’s difficult for those outside the prison walls to understand what’s happening inside them, which leads to feelings of helplessness and even loss of hope.

Ways To Care for A Loved One in Prison

Communicate Regularly

• Communicate By Letter: Sending a letter is old-fashioned but is something physically tangible and personal. Be sure your feelings and thoughts about the separation. Be sure to tell them how much you care about their emotions by asking about their experiences and well-being.
• Communicate By Phone Calls: Hearing your voice brings your persona to life in their minds, comforting them in deeply emotional ways.
• Contact By Email: Some facilities allow inmates to communicate by email. If so, this is a great way to supplement letters and phone calls.
• Prison Visits: Do your best to schedule regular visits. This will form trust and is extremely valuable and emotionally grounding for the person.

Be Patient and Supportive

• It’s okay to acknowledge the truth that prison life is horrible, but make sure you are prepared to listen without judgment to their frustrations, anxieties, and fears.
• Be positive and encouraging. Let your loved one know you believe in them and that both of you will get through these challenging times together.
• Try to avoid dwelling on negativity when discussing stressful topics from the outside world.
• Share recent events and positive news about family and close friends.
• Encourage them to participate in productive programs and activities within the prison.

Regularly Send Care Packages and Resources

• Send care packages whenever possible. Care packages usually include books, magazines, food treats, and personal hygiene products. This will remind them of home and will uplift their spirit.
• Ensuring they have enough commissary money allows them to purchase additional food items they may need or want.

What Are the Emotional Effects of Caring for Someone in Prison?

The importance of self-care

Caring for someone in jail is stressful and spiritually challenging. Therefore, it is crucial that before taking on this responsibility, you recognize this and learn how to care for your emotional needs.

It is expected to experience:

• Loneliness
• Anger
• Confusion
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Grief

We must recognize that prison breaks families apart and that supporting an incarcerated person is not an experience anyone can realistically prepare for – this is especially the case when it comes to the children of prisoners, which is discussed later in this article.

What You Need to Know About the Incarceration Process?

• Know the difference between jail and prison.
• Know the different types of incarceration – jail or prison.
• Know the restrictions and limits that apply to inmate rights.
• Know how to send money and supplies.
• Know the different ways of communicating with an inmate.

Knowing The Difference Between Jail and Prison

There are Two Major Types of Jails:

County and City Jails

When a person is initially arrested, either for a misdemeanor or a felony, on state or federal charges, they usually begin their detention in a local jail.

Jails are usually city or county facilities. Jails are short-term holding cells for people booked and processed through the criminal justice system.

Once in custody, the prisoner will be kept in jail until they either make bail or are released on the prisoner’s own recognizance (O.R.) pending further proceedings, including trial.

If the prisoner is convicted of a misdemeanor, they will likely serve their time in a county jail. If convicted of a felony, the prisoner will be sentenced to serve time in a state or federal prison.

There Are Two Major Types of Prisons:

State and Federal Prisons

State or federal prisons are where prisoners serve longer than a one-year prison term. A prisoner will be sentenced to either state or federal prison depending on whether their felony conviction violated state or federal law.

STATE PRISONS

Select a state below to see a list of state prisons operating in each particular state, along with mailing addresses for inmates.

Do Prison Inmates Have Rights?

Inmate Rights

• A prisoner’s punishment cannot be cruel and unusual.
• A prisoner has the legal right to complain about prison conditions.
• Disabled prisoners are entitled to reasonable accommodations.
• Prisoners must have access to medical and mental health care.
• Prisoners have First Amendment rights – Freedom of Speech.
• Prisoners have rights against unlawful discrimination and access to the courts

It’s also important to remember that while the above constitutional rights technically exist, most research shows that prison staff, including guards, regularly violate them. In addition, once incarcerated, inmates no longer have a right to privacy

Communicating With Your Loved One Begins by First Locating Them

According to Statista, over 10 million Americans are arrested each year. Yet, all too often, the detained person’s spouse or family is not notified of the arrest by the authorities.

How To Locate Someone in Jail or Prison

Contact Your Local Police Department

If you believe someone you know has been arrested by a specific police department, you can contact the local municipal police and jail to make inquiries.

Contact The State and Local Prison Records

If you do not know which police department made the arrest, you should contact your state’s Department of Corrections to check the state and local prison records.

Contact The Federal Bureaus of Prisons

If you believe the person might be in federal custody, you can locate the person through the federal prison inmate look-up system operated by the Federal Bureaus of Prisons.

The Criminal Record System

Anyone who is arrested is publicly listed with an arrest record that includes the following information about the arrestee:

• Full Name
• Date of birth
• Sex
• Physical features
• Occupation
• Date and time of the arrest
• Location of arrest
• Booking information
• The amount of bail
• Case facts
• The location where the person is being confined.
• The charges for which the state has detained the suspect

State and Federal Prisoners Are Assigned An Inmate Number

Once the person has been officially identified as a state or federal inmate, they are assigned an inmate number. You will be able to contact them through the prison mail system, assuming the inmate is addressed correctly with their:

• Full name
• Inmate number
• Facility address

(The above image contrasts prison life with the comfort and warmth of home).

How To Contact a Prisoner by Phone?

Inmates are generally not permitted to receive incoming calls. However, prisoners can make outgoing calls once the person wishing to contact the prisoner receives prison authority to do so.

Inmates can make outgoing calls only to a shortlist of contacts, usually limited to spouses, family members, and legal counsel.

Since you will be prohibited from calling the prisoner directly, the only and most efficient way of setting up a call is to go through the prison authorities and have them arrange to have the prisoner call you at a designated time.

Inmates can pre-pay charges to make the necessary calls. However, many prison phone programs are expensive, so be cautious when depositing money and purchasing calling cards for this purpose.

Remember that unless the call is from the prisoner’s attorney, the call between you and the prison will be monitored and recorded

How To Contact an Inmate by Mail?

Regular mail contact is vital to supporting people inside prisons, whether friends, family or even strangers connected through a pen pal program.

Inmates are also allowed to send mail to people outside the prison. However, the prison staff generally inspects the mail before it is allowed to be mailed.

Studies by the prison pen pal support group Black and Pink have shown that people inside prisons who regularly receive mail are less likely to experience violence

Studies by the prison pen pal support group Black and Pink have shown that people inside prisons who regularly receive mail are less likely to experience violence

Prison staff and other inmates tend to see these prisoners as connected to a robust social network outside, and this awareness makes inmates feel safer.

Why Children of Prisoners Are Especially Vulnerable?

According to a 2015 study on children of incarcerated parents, over 1.7  children in the United States had an incarcerated parent. That’s one in 28 kids, compared with one in 125 about 30 years ago, underscoring the need for support systems for these children.

The children of incarcerated people are almost always more likely to have trouble in school and more severe mental and emotional health challenges.

Once a father goes away, mothers may abruptly have to gain new skills to work and support their children. Older children may have to take on new leadership roles in the family that are beyond their emotional abilities.

Counseling for Children with an Incarcerated Parent

The Child Welfare Information Gateway provides a list of organizations that support children and families of the incarcerated. The incarceration of a loved one, such as a parent, can be highly traumatic to a child’s psyche.

Children are yet to develop the necessary skills to completely absorb, accept, and manage the loss of a loved one in prison.

Often, children ask questions like:

• What did Dad or Mom do wrong?
• Are they coming back?
• Will I ever see them again?
• Are they bad people?
• Can I tell people?

Children who experience a loved one being incarcerated almost always require mental health care and support. A child who experiences the feeling of losing a parent this way is just too young to understand what is happening and will be ultimately traumatized by the event and often suffer the effects into adult adulthood.

Available Resources for Children of Prisoners

• Doctor on Demand (Telehealth) offers free mental health assessments
• Synergy Therapy provides an online mental health service through the computer, tablet, or phone
• Teen Counseling matches young adults with the most suitable therapist that teenagers can manage on their phones via an app.

Counseling for Partners of Incarcerated People

• It’s challenging for people to find the proper support when their partner is imprisoned. Feeling grief, shame, and embarrassment is entirely understandable.
• There is no “right” way to handle it, but it is vital that the partners of those incarcerated also find emotional support to process their feelings in healthy ways.
• Many partners who have or are supporting an inmate are also responsible for raising children.

Dos And Don’ts

Remember Self-Care Comes First

The Family Counseling Association provides information and resources that can help with the emotions that come with supporting a friend in jail.

Other suggestions include:

• Talking about your feelings
• Remaining Active
• Eating Well
• Drinking Sensibly
• Keeping in touch with others
• Asking for Help
• Taking a Break
• Doing something you’re good at
• Accepting who you are

How Close Friends Can Stay Connected

Close friends of those in prison also deserve support and should not be dismissed simply because they do not qualify as a “biological” family.

The American Counseling Association provides information and resources that can help with the emotions of supporting a friend in jail.

One way close friends on the outside can stay connected to those on the inside is through prison advocacy. As a society, we must continue to challenge a system that causes this much pain and turmoil in the lives of those it claims to rehabilitate.

What Is Anti-Prison Advocacy?

Thousands of grassroots organizations are working locally and nationally to transform the prison system into something more life-affirming, compassionate, and healing. Joining these efforts is another powerful form of support.

Some of the possibilities include:

• Black and Pink PenPal Program
• Vera Institute of Justice 
• Project NIA
• Critical Resistance
• NoName Book Club
• Asian Prison Support Committee

When Your Loved One Returns Home

Two Ways To Prepare Them for Re-entry

1. Be prepared to encourage them to engage in educational and rehabilitation programs. To ease their transition back into society, gather information on re-entry programs that help with job placement, housing, support groups, ongoing counseling, and continued education.
2. Seek External Support: Consider counseling for yourself and your loved one and explore legal and financial assistance options.

Key Takeaways

• Do your best to educate yourself on the prison system and your loved one’s rights.
• The importance of staying informed about the prison system cannot be overstated. It’s the foundation of providing effective support.
• Keep communication lines open through letters, phone calls, and visits whenever possible.
• Regular communication is vital. It maintains your emotional connection and supports your loved one’s mental well-being.
• Don’t neglect your own needs. Supporting a loved one in prison is challenging, and seeking out support for yourself is crucial. Consider joining a support group for yourself and your family.
• Don’t lose hope. Planning for your future by discussing and planning for life after incarceration provides hope and a positive focus for both partners.
• Stay involved. Advocacy and involvement in prison reform can lead to positive changes in the system and offer a sense of purpose and contribution to a greater cause.

Related Articles and Services…